Anyone got any jokes?

[daverave999]

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of dildos.

Unfortunately he's having some trouble with squatters.

[Robusto]

[Robusto]

Viral, I reckon, but amusing...

THIS IS DOING THE ROUNDS ON THE WEB.
APOLOGIES IF YOU'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

[the mothman]

I went to see the nurse for my health check this morning.
She said "I think you should stop wanking!"
I asked "Why?"
She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!".

[the mothman]

Mick is in court for a double murder. The judge says " you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer," a man at the back of courtroom yells out "C?NT. the room goes silent, the judge continues " you are also charged with beating your wifes lover to death with a hammer". Again the man at the back yell out " you fucking C?NT!".
The Judge having enough, looks at the man and says " Sir I can understand your anger at this crime but will have no more outbursts, if you have anything to say then say it now".
The man gets up and says " For 15 years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked for a fucking hammer he said he didnt have one !!!".

[daverave999]

http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p.html

Not a joke I know but REALLY cracked me up.

[HabanoSy]

Man goes home from the pub drunk as a skunk with sick all down his jumper...

Upon seeing her husband the wife goes into a rage and says 'that's it, if you come home one more time pissed as a fart with sick all down yourself - im leaving'.

Next night the man goes down the pub and gets pie eyed once more and then promptly throws up all over himself. The man turns to the landlord and says 'Oh shit, I can't go home looking like this the wife's gonna leave me'.

'Easy', the landlord says 'just show her twenty pounds and explain that it wasn't you and on your way home you bumped into a drunk who unfortunately hurled all over you, feeling ashamed they offered you twenty ppounds for the cleaning bill'.

'Brilliant', the man says and promptly departs to make his way home.

Upon his arrival his wife shouts 'right, that's it, im off'.

'NO wait' the man shouts waving the money in the air, 'I can explain' he goes on to tell the tale of bumping into a drunk who accidently boffed up all over him.

The mans wife dubious and unbelieving, says 'you said the man gave you twenty pounds for puking on you, then WHY are you holding up forty pounds?'.

'Ah' the man says, 'the other twenty is from the guy who accidently shat in my pants...!!!'

Cheers, HabanoSy

[saggel]

Petros was a Greek immigrant man who had worked all his of life, had saved all of his money and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Greek wife... "Voula, when I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he persuaded Voula to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. Petros was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting thereμ dressed in black, (what else) and her best friend Tasia, was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

Voula put a small metal box into the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away... So her friend said, "Voula!, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with him!."

"Listen" Voula said, "I'm a Greek Orthodox wife & I cannot go back on my word. I promised Petros that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

[Morris]

Which one is the odd one out: A banana, a strawberry or a poo?





A banana, its the only one you have to peel before you can eat it.

[rokkitsci]

Okay then...

Which one is the odd one out: A banana, a strawberry or a poo?





A banana, its the only one you have to peel before you can eat it.

What do an orange and spinach have in common?

Yes? You with the three-legged llama. What's that you say? No. That's not right. They are not both things that you would shove up your nose on St. Swithin's Day.

Anyone else?

Come on. Think about it.

Give up?

Right then.

What do an orange and spinach have in common? They're both orange.



.




.





.




.


.

Except for the spinach.

<rimshot>

[tippexx]

What do an orange and spinach have in common? They're both orange.



.




.





.




.


.

Except for the spinach.

<rimshot>

Is that going in ..... or coming out Rok?

[Lionhound]

Sad, unhealthy looking Scotsman walks into pub. He asks the barman for a pint of guinness and 6 double whiskys. The barman starts off the pint then begins pouring the whiskys. By the time he finishes pouring the pint and puts it on the bar the man is downing the last double whisky. "Steady on mate" he says in a concerned manner "you'll make yourself unwell drinking like that". The guy looks at him sadly and picks up the pint "son" he says, "if you had what I've got, you'd be knocking them back too". The barman looks embarrassed "sorry, i didn't realise" he said, "what have you got". The man looks at him dejectedly, downs the pint and says"son I've got ?1." And then does a runner.

[the mothman]

What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating you

2. Remove your lap top from its bag
3. Open the laptop slowly and carefully
4. Turn on
5. Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
6. Connect to the Internet
7. Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the sky as if in prayer
8. Take a deep breath and open this site http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
9. Turn and observe the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger

[EugeneSax]

Sign off the times

[cohibaIV]

Bottle of Merlot
> >
> > A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
> > attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
> > So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
> > gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a
> > nod of his head.
> > She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
> > man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
> > The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from
> > her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
> >
> > The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
> > Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches
> > in your pants'.
> >
> >
> > After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
> > return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
> > to deliver it to the lady.
> >
> > It read:
> > 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I
> > have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo
> > in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami ,
> > and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million
> > dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as
> > beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine
> > back....
> >
> >
> > Tiger