Anyone got any jokes?

[Pantomimehorse]

My mate Dave drinks a litre of brake fluid a day, he claims he can stop whenever he wants....

[cj121]

My mate Dave drinks a litre of brake fluid a day, he claims he can stop whenever he wants....

I bet he'd be under pressure from someone though surely

[cj121]

Not sure if they do takeaways!

[the mothman]

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten. We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is..........


>>

[celsis]

These are all heard in Dublin.

BTW, a Sham is a Shamrock Rovers supporter and the LUAS is the tram.

Future WAG's
Walking through Penneys in Omni, Santry and two girls (velure
tracksuits,
high pony tails, the works) are shopping.
Blonde girl: "I'd love dat dress, but me legs will look huge in
it."(bare
in mind she was about a size 8)
Brunette: ""all ye need is a birre confidence Amy. You don't want to be
payin for yer own drinks all yer life, do ye?"
Overheard by Jessi, Omni, Santry.


Take That!
At the 'Take That' concert in Croke Park. The queue outside the ladies
during an interval was very long. Not wanting to miss the show a few
care-free ladies decided to avail of the under-used Gents facility, but
were surprised to be met by a guy in his thirties complaining... "What
the
F*** are ye women doing in here in the gents toilets?" Most were quietly
embarrassed but were delighted to hear a young Dublin lady respond..
"What
the F*** are you doing at a Take That concert?" before watching the guy
squirm back out the toilet door with no more to say for himself.
Overheard by Paul Greham, Did'nt hear it meself obviously. The wife was
tellig me.


Strict Dress Code!!!
Two lads from Dublin (dressed in snickers gear!) making a delivery to a
Dunnes Stores in Cork. The manager stops them at the back door and tells
them they cant come inside without a hi-vis vest on.
"No problem" says the older fella, "Can we just borrow two from the
store
while we drop the stock off?"
"Ah no" says the manager "that's only one issue. I cant let yis in
dressed
like that lads, it's slacks and black shoes only."
With that the younger fella comes out with a classic: "Jaysus, we're not
trying to get into a f**king nightclub!"
Overheard by Daithi, Dunnes Stores, Cork


Asking for it
Mary Harney election poster in Finglas - political slogan "Don't throw
it
away!" ...added speech bubble "I'll eat it!"
Overheard by Ciara, Finglas


Great aunt
Sitting on the Luas a woman in her early 30s comes on screaming down the
mobile phone
"I don't effing care how long you're with her...you're only 19 for eff
sake
and that young wan is what...16? but that's not even what is really
p*ssing
me off you've made me a great aunt at the ripe old age of 32 ya little
B*****d."
Overheard by Sarah, Jervis stop


Recession Busting
Was on the 150 bus at christchurch the other day were there was 3 shams
taking their time to cross the road (you know the type, smokes in there
ear, tracksuit bottoms tucked into the stockins)anyway as the bus was
hurdling towards them the driver pops up and shouts 3 for the price of
1,
what reccesion???
The whole bus was in hysterics.
Overheard by patrick, 150 bus


Monday Blues..
First thing in the morning, double science. Junior cert revision
yeoooo..
Anyway, biology..human reproduction.
*Teacher* What happens to make babies people?!
*Class* Looks to desk.
*Teacher* Ok, Ok what the first thing we need.
*Student down back* Alcohol.
Class and Teacher crack up..bloody brilliant!!
Overheard by Ginge!!, School


Don't mess with the bus pass holders
On Dublin bus, at bus stop a little old lady gets on to enquire when her
next bus will be arriving:
Old lady to driver: "Will the next bus be long?"
Smartass Driver: "About the same length as this one luv"
Old Lady(without a moments hesitiation): "Really? And will it be driven
by
a little bollicks like you?"
Overheard by Maeve, Dublin bus


Nothing But Time
Was at a petrol station last night at around 12 with my mate. We were
sitting in the car, when this women comes up and asks "Do you know if
there
is a shop open this late where I could buy a childs bottle?" and I reply
"Yes, there is a 24 hour Tesco up the road there." Then she asks "Would
it
be open now?".
Overheard by Sean, Drogheda


How to empty a LUAS
On the Luas coming out of town one afternoon during the week. As we got
to
Blackhorse the driver made an announcement
"Ladies & Gents there are 2 plain clothes ticket inspectors getting on
at
this stop so could you please have your tickets at hand for convenience
thank you."
When we pulled up to the stop 2 people did get on and about 50 got off
and
stood on the platform, clearly waiting on the next Luas.
When we pulled away the driver got back on the intercom, laughing and
said
"I was only joking, there's no such thing as a plain clothes ticket
inspector, I just wanted to see how many people got on without paying!!"
Overheard by Lynn, On the Luas

[moidoid]

Four old, old friends, had lost touch but thirty years after they left school they all met up over a beer and a smoke and caught up with each other.

Jim had a call of nature and went to the Gents and while he was away the conversation turned to their respective children.

" I'm so proud of my boy", said Dave. " He qualified as a Doctor, runs the surgical team at a big London hospital and has a lovely wife and kids. He's such a good guy too. Last week he took his friend out on the water for the first time and he liked it so much he gave him the speedboat. What a generous guy..."

"Hey", said Phil, "my boy turned out well too. Started with no qualifications and joined a city firm as a tea-boy. He now manages the biggest department in the organisation and makes a stack of money. He's a good husband and father and has a garage with 15 classic cars. but he's generous too. It was his friend's birthday last week and he gave him a Ferrari from his collection, just like that. What a guy..."

"My kid is one in a million", said Joe. "We got him a computer when he was a kid and he never looked back. He runs the biggest software house in the country, lives in a mansion in Surrey, flats in London, Tokyo, New York and a villa in Rome. He has two beautiful boys of his own and their mother is a movie star. I'm so proud. But he doesn't have a big head. He is generous to his friends too. He took his friend to stay with them in the flat in New York and the friend liked it so much he just gave him the keys. What a guy..."

Poor old Jim had missed all this but when he came back from the bathroom his friends asked him if he had kids.

" I have a son who is very precious to me. He is all I have. He went off the tracks when his mother died and stopped going to school. He went to live in a squat and started drinking and doing drugs. He nearly died.
With my help he cleaned up and started renting a flat and he works as an escort in a gay bar in the West End."

"Wow", said Phil, " You must be disappointed".

"Not at all", said Jim. " I still have my son, alive and well and doing what he wants to do. In any case he makes a load of money from these rich guys he sees. Only last week he got given a speedboat, a Ferrari and a flat in New York by three of his punters. What a guy..."

[cohibaIV]

REASONS WHY CIGARS ARE BETTER THAN SEX

? You can GET cigars.

? You can safely have cigars while you are driving.

? You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.

? You can have cigars even in front of your mother.

? Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.

? The word "commitment" doesn't scare off cigars.

? You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

? You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.

? You don't get hairs in your mouth with cigars.

? With cigars there's no need to fake it.

? Cigars don't make you pregnant.

? You can have cigars at any time of the month.

? Good cigars are easy to find.

? You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
? When you have great cigars it doesn't keep your neighbours awake

? With cigars size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!

[kingcohiba]

the sailor and the rubber chicken

a sailor came into a port after a year out on the sea without a woman. he went to the local cat house and said i havent been with a woman for over a year, what do you have for me?

the woman at the counter took him down a hall and said we are pretty busy today, all i have for you is what is behind this door. he went inside and there in the middle of the empty room was a rubber chicken. he said oh well, and had sex with the rubber chicken. after that he left.

he came back the next day and said to the lady, do you have anything for me today? she took him down the hall again only to a different room this time. right next door to the room he was in the day before. she said all i have today for you is in this room right here. he walked in and there were about a dozen people looking through a little hole in the wall. curious, he went up to all the people and said what are you looking at? whats going on in there. a man said there is a woman in there with a donkey! the sailor said really? the man said yeah! you should have been here yesterday, a guy was in here having sex with a rubber chicken!

[whisky77]

Blonde Mortician

Blonde Morticianfficeffice" />>>

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'>>
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'>>
>>

[cj121]

Like it Craig, made me chuckle

[cj121]

Pardon?

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[cohibaIV]

Cut and paste mate...

LOL

[cj121]

Cut and paste mate...

LOL

More like scratch n sniff

[Robusto]

Standards are rising in education.

[cj121]

Standards are rising in education.