Anyone got any jokes?

[cohibaIV]

[Willie1]

Willie

[Robusto]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

[Willie1]

It's a pretty old joke, but I thought I'd mention it for the hell of it

What has an Osterich, a Pelican,and the Inland Revenue all got in common?...

They can all stick their bills up their arse

Willie

[cohibaIV]

Things you can only say at Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in.

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.>>

[larrysputnik]

OK, here's one:

knock-knock...

[cohibaIV]

Who's there?

[cohibaIV]

PLAY LOAD>>>>

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5_JmXCNPs6Y

[rokkitsci]

PLAY LOAD>>>>


http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5_JmXCNPs6Y

Is there a version of this available with subtitles?

[linfield100]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Asda with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Asda greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone would shag you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda.'

[cohibaIV]

ITS A MAN'S WORLD

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:"Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[cohibaIV]

ETHOS OF TODAY'S RELIGIONS

Atheism
Shit Happens.

Hare Krishna
Shit Happens Rama Dama Ding Dong.

Hinduism
This shit happened before.

Islam
If shit happens, take a hostage.

Zen
What is the sound of shit happening.

Buddism
When shit happens, is it really shit?

Confucianism
Confucius say, "Shit Happens".

7th Day Adventist
Shit happens on Saturdays.

Protestantism
Shit won't happen if I work harder.

Catholicism
If shit happens, I deserve it.

Jehovah's Witness
Knock knock, shit happens.

Unitarian
What is this shit?

Judaism
Why does shit always happen to me?

Mormom
Shit happens again and again and again.

Rastafarian
Let's smoke this shit.

[cohibaIV]

THROW IT AWAY

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

[G-man]

Not Really a joke but a Joke indeed !

---

C- The Mighty Obama goes down in Muddville Batting average 000 welcome to the big leagues mr. president Even Cuba with its old dictator hits better then U. Strike 3 U out

[Mr Moore]

WHAT DID THE COPPER SAY TO THE COPPER THIEF...


DONT TAKE ALL OF ME IM NEEDED IN THIS BLEEDIN BOILER....


WAM POW YEEEHHHAAAARR