Anyone got any jokes?

[Montesmoke]

Very Funny Bryan

Going around at work today...

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun".
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to........'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
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but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet

[Montesmoke]

Strange, considering you dont take cigar smoke down into your lungs as you do with cigarettes you would think that cigarettes are more harmfull than a cigar!!
So whats the reason for this?
Interesting to know.

I quite like good filth but don't want to scare anyone away to a Cigarette Forum.

Do you think they exist?...

Nothing special to talk about there!

My GP advised me to stop smoking cigars and take up cigarettes instead.
I'll write about it some time.

Can you believe that?

[Robusto]

Strange one, mate.

I had to have a health check for a Life Insurance policy renewal. Routine at the GP's When asked if I smoked, I said probably one medium sized cigar a day. She then said I should take up smoking cigarettes because cigars have six times the nicotine level of cigarettes.

Don't worry. I stayed loyal!

[Robusto]

Strange one, mate.

I had to have a health check for a Life Insurance policy renewal. Routine at the GP's When asked if I smoked, I said probably one medium sized cigar a day. She then said I should take up smoking cigarettes because cigars have six times the nicotine level of cigarettes.

Don't worry. I stayed loyal!

[rokkitsci]

New Doctor

After a series of tests, my physician sent me to a urologist to follow up on some results which concerned him.

Turned out the doctor he referred me to was a drop-dead gorgeous woman!

Wen she walked into the examination room, she looked at me with a curious expression and told me I would have to stop masturbating.

"Why," I asked?

"Because I need to examine you."

[Montesmoke]

Joke time.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

[Montesmoke]

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

[Montesmoke]

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(Damn lucky f@#kers!)

[Montesmoke]

The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

[Montesmoke]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are very cunning when they want to be.

[Robusto]

How the hell can a pig have an orgasm for 30 minutes?...
Bloody hell!

[rokkitsci]

Speaking of Doctors...

Reginald goes to see his doctor and friend of 25 years, Dr. Brimley Smythe-Ponce-Nez, to find out the results of his recent checkup.

"Well, Brim, old chap, wudup?"

"Reggie, you old poof, I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you and I don't exactly know how to tell you."

"Just out with it, Brim."

"Alright then. Your tests show that you have two serious ailments which, I'm afraid, are untreatable."

"Bloody hell, doc. What did you find?"

"Well, Reg, first of all, you're in the advanced stages of Alzheimers Disease."

"Alzheimers! That's bloody awful! But you said there were two problems. What's the other?"

"I really don't know how to broach this delicately, Reg, so I'll just be blunt: You have terminal cancer of the phlebosum."

"Cancer! That's sodding terrible. But there is one consolation."

"Consolation? With terrible news like this, what could you find consoling?"

"Well, at least I don't have Alzheimers."

[cohibaIV]

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[Deano]

Hehe I'll attach that to the package I have to send rokketsci!

[cohibaIV]

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