Anyone got any jokes?

[Montesmoke]

Skinny white man goes in to a
lift and theres a huge black man standing inside who says
before you ask!!!! I,m 7ft tall,,350lbs,,20 inch dick and my
balls weigh 3lb each,,and my name is turner brown!!!!

The white guy faints and when he comes to he asks
the black man to say that again,,black man repeats his stats
and says my name is turner brown,,the white guys says





thank fekk for that,,,i thought you said turn around:d

[cohibaIV]

Cigar Insurance
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.

[cohibaIV]

Two monks from different monasteries were old friends who shared a great fondness for cigars. Once each year when they had a chance to visit, they would pray together and, of course, light up.
Eventually, however, they became concerned that there might be some sin in their habit and they each resolved to ask their respective superiors for guidance.
When they met again, one was puffing away.
"But the head of my monastery told me it was a sin," protested the other.
"What did you ask him?" said the first.
"I asked him if it was all right to smoke during evening prayer and he said, 'No.'"
"Well," said his friend as he blew a perfect smoke ring into the air, "I asked my superior if it was alright to pray during our evening smoke and he said it was just fine!"

Moral of the Story: The answer you get depends on the question you ask.

[Montesmoke]

[cohibaIV]

What do you call a Essex girl with half a brain?
Gifted!

What do you call a Essex girl with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant

Why aren't Essex girls good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the Essex girl's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met

Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair
and she didn't want it blown around too much

Why is a Essex girl like a turtle?
They both get fucked up when they're on their back

What's a Essex girl's favourite nursery rhyme?
Hump-me Dump-me

What's the difference between a Essex girl and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once

Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar

Why don't Essex girls eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper

[cohibaIV]

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl,
and a smart Essex girl are walking down the street
when they spot a ?10 note.
Who picks it up?
The dumb Essex girl!
Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart Essex girl!

An Essex girl and a Scots girl were talking one day.
The Scots girl said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem
but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The Essex girl asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"

After many hours of extremely acrobatic
and exhausting sex with an Essex girl
he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen
for some food to replenish his just spent energy.
He pours himself a glass of milk but before drinking it,
he realises his manhood is still pretty hot,
so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.

Just then the Essex girl walked in and said,
"Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

[cohibaIV]

Kinky Sex
A man and a woman meet in a pub and start to chat.
He tells her that he has just got divorced,
and when she enquires as to the reason,
he explains that he has always had a liking for 'kinky sex'
and that his ex-wife found it all a bit unpleasant.

The woman replied that she too had recently divorced,
and that it was because she also wanted to have 'kinky sex'.

The woman then suggests that they adjourn to her house
and enjoy a session of 'kinky sex' together.

They eagerly hurry round to the woman's house
and go into the lounge.

"Stay here" the woman says, "I'll be back in a minute."
The woman goes upstairs.

15 minutes later she comes back into the lounge
wearing a rubber suit with metal studs, a leather mask,
stiletto-heel boots, and brandishing a large bull-whip.

"Right then," says the man, "I'll be off then."

"Hold on," says the woman,

"I thought you wanted have some 'kinky sex'.

"Oh I did," said the man,
"I've just fucked your cat and
had a shit in your handbag!"

[cohibaIV]

Sex and Marriage
Do you know what the three types of sex are when you get married?

Anywhere Sex
The couch, the car, the floor, the washing machine, etc, etc.

After you have been married a while, its Bedroom Sex
No more kinky stuff, just the bedroom or nothing at all!
(Is that the truth or WHAT!)

After you have been married a while longer, it becomes Hallway Sex
That's where you pass each other in the hallway
and say "Fuck You" and she replies "Yeah! Fuck You Too!"

[SmokinCohibas]

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on" replies the bartender.

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

[SmokinCohibas]

What Clinton ACTUALLY said to Monica:

"Hold my calls and sack my cook"

[Montesmoke]

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

[Montesmoke]

Few more!

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing in the first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.

[cohibaIV]

The women's guide to men's English

Can I call you sometime?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to see a film?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Let's talk
I am trying to impress you
by showing that I am a deep person
then maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

I love you
Let's have sex now

I love you, too
Okay, I've said it...
Now can we have sex now!

You look tense, let me give you a massage
I want to fondle you

Will you marry me?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I'm bored
Do you want to have sex?

[cohibaIV]

The women's guide to men's English

I like that one better (whilst shopping)
Pick any bloody dress and let's go home!!!

Nice dress!
Nice cleavage!

Yes, I like your new hair style
?50 and it doesn't look any different!

Yes, I like your new hair style
I liked it better before

What's wrong?
I guess sex tonight is out of the question

What's wrong?
I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

What's wrong?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?

[Montesmoke]

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"