Anyone got any jokes?

[Montesmoke]

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic!?"

[Major_Tom]

Lol, have heard that before but with a 10" pianist...

[rokkitsci]

Scottish Visitor

A young American girl is visiting Scotland for the first time. She is out on the rolling green admiring the scenery when she spots a handsome young lad in a traditional kilt, fast asleep resting against a tree. She has always wondered what actually goes on under a kilt and thinks to herself that this would be a golden opportunity to find out.

So, she quietly approaches the young man and carefully, carefully lifts up the hem of his tartan, only to find the young lad exposed to the world. Well, the girl is flushed with excitement and thinks that she should commemorate this occasion somehow. Reaching into her hair, she removes the blue ribbon from her ponytail and ever-so-gently ties it around the Scotsman's manhood. Pleased with herself, she runs off with a smile to record her adventure in her diary.

Somewhat later, the Scotsman wakes from his slumber and feels something amiss in his nether regions. He lifts up his kilt and looks down only to see the memento left by the young lady. He scratches his head in bewilderment and announces, "Och, laddie! I dinna know where ya' been or what ya' been doin', but I'm mighty proud ya' won first prize!"

[Deano]

lol a fine addition thanks

[cohibaIV]

If all Brides are beautiful, where the fuck do ugly wives come from?

[cohibaIV]

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

[cohibaIV]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

[cohibaIV]

One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise, Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.
Superman thought "this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said "WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied. "I don't know, but my arse sure is sore!"

[Montesmoke]

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

[Major_Tom]

Shamelessly piked from another forum:

While I was driving down the M6 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been), I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger,then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Speeding ticket: ?105.00

Court costs: ?45.00

Look on copper's face .... Priceless!

[Montesmoke]

HaHa!!

[cohibaIV]

"They say the row of soldiers lining the road for Thatcher's state funeral will be one of the longest ever. It'll be nearly as long as the line of people queuing to dance on her grave."

[cohibaIV]

Ricky Hatton does Stand Up...

"Pavarotti? God rest his soul, but he was a miserable fucker. I went to one of his concerts a few years ago and he doesn't like ya fucking joining in, does he?"

"I went and got measured for a brand new suit the other week. The fella said, 'Fucking hell, Ricky - you're a Mark F.'
I said, 'What's a Mark F?' He said, 'A size up from a fucking Marquee!'"

It really is great to be here. What an absolute pleasure it is to be entertaining an audience without someone trying to smash my fucking teeth in."

People call me Ricky Fatton and I don't know where they got that idea from. But you wanna see me with a fucking hard-on. I look like the letter Q."

"One thing I can't stand more than Man United, it's that fucking Cristiano Ronaldo. What a dickhead. He was playing on TV the other day while I was Hoovering. I bumped into the TV and he fucking fell over."

"Raise a glass to our wives and girlfriends - may they never meet! But I had a girlfriend leave me for a midget once.
I never thought anyone would stoop that low!"

"Mike Tyson. What an animal he is! Be honest, if you found Tyson in bed with your missus, you'd fucking tuck him in, wouldn't yer?"

"My mum still doesn't get what boxing is all about. She thought Sugar Diabetes was a fucking Welsh flyweight."

"My dad is about four-foot-fucking-seven. He's the only man I know who has a full-length photograph for his fucking passport. He looks like he's fallen off a key ring and could hang-glide with a fucking Dorito."

[To a heckler] "Hey, keep your voice down, you. Save your breath. You've got to blow your missus up when you get home."

Ricky Hatton is touring the UK's clubs this summer, raising money for children with Aids at The Murray Foundation

[cohiba-cohiba]

Paddy and mick walking down the street mick falls down a hole and shouts to paddy, paddy me old mate can you call me an ambulance think I have hurt me selve.

padyy starts to shout micks an amulance micks an ambulance LOL.

sorry to all the irsh out there just good humour intended

[Montesmoke]

Have a look!

http://www.truveo.com/Bad-Day-at-the-office-HILARIOUS/id/36896522