Anyone got any jokes?

[SmokinCohibas]

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

[Montesmoke]

A frog walks into a bank.

Frog: Ribbit. Good morning.

Clerk: Good morning. (looks up and sees frog.) Oh my! Uh, my name is Patty Wack. How can I help you?

Frog: I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.

Clerk: (Takes a hard look at the frog, then shrugs her shoulders and gets out loan form. She starts filling in information) How much would you like to borrow?

Frog: $25,000 please.

Clerk: What is your name?

Frog: Kermit Jagger, I'm Mick Jagger's son, you know. My dad is good friends with your manager.

Clerk: Well, $25,000 is quite a lot of money. We will need some collateral to secure the loan. What do you have?

Frog: (holds up a small item) I have this small, pink, porcelain elephant on a unicycle!

Clerk: (takes item and looks at it in confusion) Well, ummm, I'm going to have the bank manager take a look at this.
(yells) Mr. Smith, could you come here please?!

Mr. Smith: Yes, Ms. Wack. What seems to be the trouble?

Clerk: This frog's name is Kermit Jagger and he claims his father knows you and he wants a $25,000 loan and he wants to use this, this...... this thing! as collateral.
I don't even know what it is or if we can even lend to amphibians!












Mr. Smith: It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.

[Montesmoke]

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, now. Settle down. You'll just have to be
a little patient."

[Montesmoke]

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."

[Montesmoke]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something...........








when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Montesmoke]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.


"It's pretty nice," she replies.....









"Except they won't let you fart."

[Montesmoke]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[cohibaIV]

I don't want to say the oil companies are screwing people, but full service now includes K-Y Jelly.

[cohibaIV]

How did they know the shark attack victim had dandruff? They found his Head & Shoulders on the beach

[cohibaIV]

What's the difference between PMT and BSE? One is mad cow disease and the other is an agricultural problem.

[cohibaIV]

Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Hello, what's your name?" the barman asks the first duck.
"Huey," he replies.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.
"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the barman.
"Great. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day as well. What more could a duck want?"
The barman turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

[cohibaIV]

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

[cohibaIV]

What is the shortest sentence in the English Dictionary, but the longest sentence of your life?
"I do."

[Montesmoke]

good one!

[Montesmoke]

Serious Looking Gofher

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Kyi0WNg40