Anyone got any jokes?

[cohibaIV]

It's Better to be a man
• Why it's great to be a man:
• Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
• Your orgasms are real. Always.
• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
• Foreplay is optional.
• You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
• Hot wax never comes near your pubic area

[cohibaIV]

Just Wondering
• Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
• Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
• Why did God give men nipples?
• Is grass really greener on the other side?
• Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
• If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?
• If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
• If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?
• You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment , but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
• Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• If pot grows naturally, and we outlaw pot (nature), are we outlawing God?
• How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?
• If trailer parks didn't exist, would tornadoes exist?
• Why does X stand for a kiss?
• Why do we itch?
• Do toilet seats really protect us against anything?
• Why do old women dye their hair blue?
• Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
• Same work... more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
• Wedding Dress ?2000; Tux rental ?100.
• People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
• Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
• One mood, all the time.

[Montesmoke]

Good one!

[Montesmoke]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden, he said out loud, 'Lord, grant me one wish.'

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The man said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and
glorify me.'

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, 'Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they
give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy.' ................

The Lord replied,










'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

[cohibaIV]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast".

hahahahahaha I WISH!!!!

[Montesmoke]

You posted that joke all ready

[cohibaIV]

I Like it....
(Oppps really)....hehe

[Montesmoke]

[Montesmoke]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?'

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?'

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,









'I don't think my python weally gives a thit.'

[SmokinCohibas]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[SmokinCohibas]

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

[SmokinCohibas]

This is a good un:

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

[SmokinCohibas]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

[Montesmoke]

[SmokinCohibas]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."