Anyone got any jokes?

[cohibaIV]

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
"You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends, confident he could he lit a robusto lent back in his chair and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."'

[Montesmoke]

Paddy and Murphy are at Murphy's house when Murphy says "paddy, will ya do me a favour? Pop up stairs and fetch me slippers. the'yr a pair of size elevens."

So paddy runs up stairs where he comes face to face with Murpy's two 19 yo daughters, beautiful and sweet and in a state of undress. Quick as a flash he says "Your dad says I have got to f*** you both, right now".

"You're lying" the girls reply.

"No I'm not" says paddy, "and I'll prove it to ye" whereupon he shouts down and yells, "Murphy, did you say both of 'em?" To which Murphy yells back, "Of course both of 'em, whats the point of fu***** one?!?!?!"

[Montesmoke]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods.'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'














































'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.'

[Montesmoke]

The prison chefs at Paris Hilton's prison are preparing breakfast. They are pouring porridge into each bowl for the prisoners until they get to Paris' bowl.

"I'm going to jerk off in to this," says one chef.

"Great idea," says the second.

Before you know it they've all been in her porridge. Then the guards take the bowl to her cell and have a quick go before delivering it to Paris.

Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says "I'm not eating this."

The guard laughs and asks, "Why not?"

Paris replies,




"It's got porridge in it."

[SmokinCohibas]

Premature ejaculation,the greatest compliment you can pay a woman.
.........and they fucking moan about it.

[SmokinCohibas]

Why should you not have sex in the ear?
Cause you might get hearing aids

[SmokinCohibas]

What’s the worst thing about gang rape?

Waiting your turn.

[SmokinCohibas]

What?s the worst thing about gang rape?

Waiting your turn.

[Montesmoke]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead? That can't be,I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .you've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never!' replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...










'Dave, wake up you drunken Bastard, you've SHIT the bed!'.

[cohibaIV]

hahahahahahaha

[Montesmoke]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are 'the seven
Dwarfs' they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

'Dopey my son,' says the Pope, 'what can I do for you?'

Dopey asks, 'Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
Answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe.'

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry
Glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, 'Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf
Nuns in the whole world?'

The Pope answers, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere
In the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding
On the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'

[Montesmoke]

A middle-aged woman, in hospital after a heart attack, had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked 'Is my time up?' 'No,' said God. 'You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

She recovered very quickly from surgery, but decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and whiten her teeth - with so much more time ahead, she was going to make the most of it! But then - tragedy! Crossing the street on her way home from hospital, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years! Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

'Sorry,' God replied,





'I didn't recognize you.'

[cohibaIV]

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says "See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

[cohibaIV]

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country.
Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA Okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers.
The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:
"Anybody got a match?"

[cohibaIV]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast".