Anyone got any jokes?

[Montesmoke]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even; nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive.......



if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[Montesmoke]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:













(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)


(Get your very best Chinese accent ready)





'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[Montesmoke]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces
four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the
springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is
paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all
over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on
the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has
ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough
breath to say,


'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'



'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....



Four-sprung Duck technique

[Montesmoke]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant
behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly
answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was
empty.' Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come
on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her.. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW,
I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She
fainted.

[SmokinCohibas]

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man
Turns to her and says -
Ma'am,if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your
elbow,I'm in room 221."

[SmokinCohibas]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
Starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow
and I want to stayfresh."The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back
Over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[SmokinCohibas]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his
wife that he had terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the Pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed toovercome the Compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?"She asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"


"Oh...she got fired too."

[SmokinCohibas]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when The wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this Breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably
sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."


I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your tea and the other is in your porridge."

[SmokinCohibas]

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were at a bar discussing what they had given their wives for birthday presents.

The doctor said, "On my wifes birthday I bought her two gifts. One gift was a pearl necklace and the other gift was a brand new Mercedes SL500. That way if she didn't like the pearl necklace she would have the brand new MBZ to remember how much I love her."


The lawyer said, "On my wifes birthday, I bought her a diamond ring, and a all round the world trip ticket. That way if she didn't like the ring, she would always have the trip to remember how much I love her."


The biker said, "On my wifes birthday, I bought her a Harley Davidson T-shirt and a dildo, so if she didn't like the tee shirt I gave her, she could go and Fuck herself.



NEXT:

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a
few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to
bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet petted the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later
with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the
ex-bird.

The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ..... dead." He then turned
to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he
handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150 she cried, $150
just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only
have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan......"

[SmokinCohibas]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See?


1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?


A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I 'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 24.

[SmokinCohibas]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on
the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will
be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the
Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home
before midnight."


When the man came home late that night, he found the following
letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my
being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a
maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that
while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one
of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of
Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more
times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until
sometime tomorrow."

[SmokinCohibas]

The Irishman, Scotsman and Englishman:

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow
there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of
his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the
5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and i t is all
on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he
swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman ."But it did happen to
me sister."

[cohibaIV]

REASONS WHY CIGARS ARE BETTER THAN SEX

? You can GET cigars.

? You can safely have cigars while you are driving.

? You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.

? You can have cigars even in front of your mother.

? Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.

? The word "commitment" doesn't scare off cigars.

? You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

? You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.

? You don't get hairs in your mouth with cigars.

? With cigars there's no need to fake it.

? Cigars don't make you pregnant.

? You can have cigars at any time of the month.

? Good cigars are easy to find.

? You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
? When you have great cigars it doesn't keep your neighbours awake

? With cigars size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!

[cohibaIV]

THROW IT AWAY

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

[cohibaIV]

HAHAHAHAHAHA I love this one.....

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work, lit his favorite cigar and sat across from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs? "Honey would you like some of this?"
"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"