Anyone got any jokes?

[jibjob79]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

After a couple of days Dave walks again into that bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here.

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said "It's either screw or swim!"

She pulled down her pants and..... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

[davidruddell]

My little boy came up to me with tears in his eyes asking where his hamster had gone. I managed to calm him down and assure him that he's gone for a little holiday and will be back soon.

So now I must do what all good fathers do... sneak back to the pet shop and ask them if they have anything that can coax this fury little bastard back out of my arse.

[davidruddell]

Pal of mine just confessed he's having an affair with identical twins!

I asked him how he tells them apart?

"Easy, Sarah has dyed blonde hair, a slight cleft in her chin, and a small scar on her left hand, and Barry has a cock."

[davidruddell]

Just discovered two cheats in the Xbox 360 version of Fifa 11

They're called Wayne Rooney and Frank Lampard.

[Corto Maltese]

I know, I know, this thread is way out of date but I finally got one.

The worlds shortest fairy tale....
Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl " Will you marry me ? "
The girl said " No ! "......


And the bloke lived happily ever after and fucked all her mates and rode motorcycles and went fishing and played football and drank beer and ate curry and left the toilet seat up and played on the playstation and farted and had a wank whenever he wanted...... The End.

For all those cvonfused females out there, it's simple.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection make him a fucking sandwich !.

[whisky77]

Quality.

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:






I reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at..... 8250-0327

[the mothman]

I was just walking down the street when someone chucked a slab of cheese at me - I thought thats not very bloody 'mature' is it....

[the mothman]

Paddy is rushed into hospital after a bizzare sex game left him with 6 toy horses up his arse..........doctors described his condition as stable...

[the mothman]

A very drunk paddy met a prostitute up a dark alley. He asked how much for full sex, "20 pounds" she replied. ok says paddy and they get down to it. Next minute a cop appears and shines his torch in their faces. Whats going on here? he asks. "nothing officer, im just having sex with my wife", "sorry sir" apologised the officer I didnt know it was your wife. Paddy shouts "neither did I till you shone that fucking light in her face"......

[the mothman]

I was offered a new job and a chance to work at heathrow airport on their new body scanner machine. The head of security said " you can look at tits and twats all day ". I said, " I already do, im a steward at White Hart Lane"...

[the mothman]

The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down and relax and when she comes back she will give me "what she does best"
I cant wait.
I fucking love Shepherds pie...

[jibjob79]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black".

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black".

"Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair".

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes".

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"



AND



The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ....

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[the mothman]

While snooping in my wifes secret diary, I was excited to read about her fantasies about dirty rough sex with anal....
Then I remembered she is dyslexic..........and my best mate is called Alan.

[JimJamYaHa]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Simon-JG-hr]

I know this isn't a joke, as such, but it is so funny I had to share it. A friend forwarded the link to me, and, I have to say, the article is even funnier than the headline... it's like something out of Monty Python.

Malawi row over 'farting ban bid'