Anyone got any jokes?

[Simon-JG-hr]

Just emailed this to my father who pointed me in the direction of the original version of this (fantastic) joke, a pretty decent song:

[davidruddell]

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier.

She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond in the garden.

[davidruddell]

Well my appearance on 'Dragons Den' didn't go so well.

I had my pitch perfectly rehearsed, and my invention working perfectly.

But apparently saying "Oi sugar tits, fuck off and get me a coffee, while the men talk business" to Deborah Meaden is unacceptable.

[satch]

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.

"The Fish was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.

"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"

"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."

[Boss Hog]

A mate of mine has been shagging some twins for a while. I asked him how he manages to tell them apart."That's easy" he replied. "Angela has long, straight hair, and Trevor has a cock"

[Simon-JG-hr]

A little childish, but I thought this was quite good:



Proof that two, unintentionally funny men, make an intentionally funny joke?

Okay, it's not that good, but had to share.

[Hencore]

What's the difference between a kangaroo and kangaroot?


One's a kangaroo the other is a geordie stuck in a lift.

[Aussiewaz]

What's the difference between a kangaroo and kangaroot?


One's a kangaroo the other is a geordie stuck in a lift.

I know all about Kangaroos but nothing about geordie's so

[Aussiewaz]

Oh BTW, Bloody Kiwi's!

[Boss Hog]

Oh BTW, Bloody Kiwi's!

Should this be NSFW?
I work with a number of sheep who are looking rather strangely at me at the minute or they might just be eyeing me up?

[Aussiewaz]

Should this be NSFW?
I work with a number of sheep who are looking rather strangely at me at the minute or they might just be eyeing me up?

Depends where they hail from. If they are Aussie sheep your food, if Kiwi sheep then your a gigilo. LMAO.

[Simon-JG-hr]

A couple of the better 'Pakistan flood jokes' from another forum I frequent:

"The problem of the floods in Pakistan is going to be solved by a specialist team from Yorkshire Water. Within a week of getting involved it is expected that all of the country's reservoirs will be empty and there will be a blanket hosepipe ban."

"Apparently they're releasing a charity single to raise funds for flood victims entitled 'raindrops keep fallin on Akhmed'."

[cohibaIV]

English Zu German

English Zu German

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.









As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
















In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.







The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



















There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.













In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

















Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.










Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.












By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".












During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.












Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.













Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.











I hop zis mad you smil.

[Aussiewaz]

A young soldier was attending some college courses between assignments.
He had also completed missions in Afghanistan .

One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?"

Came the reply,
"God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an asshole. So, He sent me"

[Boss Hog]

Is it me or has anyone else noticed that the anagram of Maddie is "I'm dead" ?