Anyone got any jokes?

[Howling]

New Pet

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" but there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:






"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*****g shoes on!"

[Howling]

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

[crslaytor]

im putting my f. shoes on HAHAHAHHAHA
NICE ONE!

[Howling]

Harley-Davidson

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Howling]

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Howling]

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you' re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you' re a pansy. If you work too hard ... there' s never any time for her. If you don' t work enough ..... you' re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ...... it' s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it' s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ...... it' s male indifference. If you cry ... you' re a wimp. If you don' t ...... you' re an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ....... you' re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she' s a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn' t enjoy ... that' s domination. If SHE asks you ... it' s a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you' re a pervert. If you don' t ... you' re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you' re sexist.. If you don' t ... you' re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ...... you' re vain. If you don' t ... you' re a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you' re after something. If you don' t ... you' re not thoughtful. If you' re proud of your achievements ... you' re full of yourself. If you don' t ... you' re not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she' s tired. If you have a headache ...... you don' t love her anymore. If you want it too often.... you' re oversexed.. If you don' t ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?


Because they want to.

[Howling]

How one photo ruins it all

[Lee Nub]

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you' re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you' re a pansy. If you work too hard ... there' s never any time for her. If you don' t work enough ..... you' re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ...... it' s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it' s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ...... it' s male indifference. If you cry ... you' re a wimp. If you don' t ...... you' re an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ....... you' re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she' s a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn' t enjoy ... that' s domination. If SHE asks you ... it' s a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you' re a pervert. If you don' t ... you' re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you' re sexist.. If you don' t ... you' re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ...... you' re vain. If you don' t ... you' re a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you' re after something. If you don' t ... you' re not thoughtful. If you' re proud of your achievements ... you' re full of yourself. If you don' t ... you' re not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she' s tired. If you have a headache ...... you don' t love her anymore. If you want it too often.... you' re oversexed.. If you don' t ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?


Because they want to.

LMFAO

[Boss Hog]

That's so funny. must be a presidential perk.

[eggopp]

Jims New Suit

Jim's New Suit



The doctor said, "Jim, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The

bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare

condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the

pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the

pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live

for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.



When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time

in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of

himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a

different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new

suit " He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."





The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , "Let's see... size 44

long."



Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.



Jim tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.



As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a

new shirt?"



Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."



The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."





Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?



" Been in the business 60 years."



Jim tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



Jim walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How

about some new underwear?"



Jim thought for a moment and said, "Sure."



The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."



Jim laughed, "Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18

years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one

hell of a headache."



New suit - ?400

New shirt - ?36

New underwear - ?6

Second Opinion ? PRICELESS

[cj121]

Some great stuff on here recently chaps

[kingcohiba]

Jim's New Suit



The doctor said, "Jim, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The

bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare

condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the

pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the

pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live

for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.



When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time

in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of

himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a

different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new

suit " He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."





The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , "Let's see... size 44

long."



Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.



Jim tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.



As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a

new shirt?"



Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."



The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."





Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?



" Been in the business 60 years."



Jim tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



Jim walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How

about some new underwear?"



Jim thought for a moment and said, "Sure."



The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."



Jim laughed, "Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18

years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one

hell of a headache."



New suit - ?400

New shirt - ?36

New underwear - ?6

Second Opinion ? PRICELESS

MAN! priceless is right! good one!

[the mothman]

Three men with speech impediments are in therapy. The therapist is blonde,petite and she is fit as fuck. She says " If you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll suck your cock and you can shoot in my mouth"
The 1st one stammers "BBBBirmingham"... she moves on.
The 2nd one stammers "MMManchester"... she moves on.
The 3rd,named paddy, stands up composes himself and says "London" the therapist straight away gets his cock out and gives him the best blowjob he has ever had, and as he comes he sighs...."dddderry!!".

[Pipe Dude]

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

---

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I kn ow, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

---

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .

---

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

---

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

---

The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .

---

I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

---

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

---

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS .

---

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge." He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE... LOOK OUT FOR THESE PEOPLE!

[Lee Nub]

Lol