Anyone got any jokes?

[Montesmoke]

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

[Montesmoke]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

[SmokinCohibas]

Why its not easy being a dick??


You have one eye you can not see with.
A head you can not think with.
You hang out with a couple of nuts.
Your closest neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a pussy.

[SmokinCohibas]

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.

He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?"
Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.


The chief turns to the tribe and screams :
.
.
..."DEATH BY BOOKA!"

[SmokinCohibas]

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced,
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"

The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."

The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."

The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.


"Well they always search for the black box first!!!"

[SmokinCohibas]

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'.
The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much?
The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers.

The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?'

No, says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

[cohibaIV]

:d:d:d:d

[cohibaIV]

"There was a young man of Herne Bay who was making some fireworks one day: but he dropped his cigar in the gunpowder jar. There WAS a young man of Herne Bay."

[SmokinCohibas]

There are three pregnant women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead all sitting in the doctor?s waiting room.
To break the silence the brunette says : "Apparently the position you do when you have sex determines the sex of the baby, I was on top so I'm having a boy".
The redhead then adds "Well I was underneath so that means I'm having a girl".
The blonde then says worryingly "Oh sh*t, I'm having puppies".

[cohibaIV]

hehehehehehe

[cohibaIV]

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise
in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember
whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in,
"Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs
and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded,
" Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood,"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[cohibaIV]

The 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home.
A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.

The reporter asked,
"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long."

The old man replied "I don't ever drink.
I never smoked,
and I stayed away from wild women."

Just then there was a loud shriek in the hall.
The crew turned to see a nurse run by,
followed by an agile looking older man with
a foul smelling cigar in one hand and spilling what
smelled like whisky from the glass in his other hand.

He paused for a moment,
looked at the crowd and let out a hardy
"Hee, Hee, Hee!" and continues in pursuit.

"What was that all about?!?" enquired the reporter:

"Please excuse him." replied the old man,
"My father gets out of control sometimes."

[Robusto]

Going around at work today...

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun".
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to........'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
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but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet

[SmokinCohibas]

That's a good one Robusto...

[Robusto]

I quite like good filth but don't want to scare anyone away to a Cigarette Forum.

Do you think they exist?...

Nothing special to talk about there!

My GP advised me to stop smoking cigars and take up cigarettes instead.
I'll write about it some time.

Can you believe that?