Anyone got any jokes?

[cohibaIV]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2...tobooth-p1.php

hahahahahahahahaha

[cohibaIV]

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on" replies the bartender.

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

Page 3 mate,,,Page 3 hahahahaa

[Montesmoke]

Page 3 mate,,,Page 3 hahahahaa

Didnt realise theres quite a few jokes on here now!

[cohibaIV]

[Montesmoke]

Pub Joke

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Montesmoke]

the neighbour
bob looked over the fence to see why his neighbour was digging and said to his neighbour' why are u digging and his neighbour said ''my fish is dead ' and bob said 'its a big hole for a fish' and the neighbour says' well your cat swallowed him''

[Montesmoke]

A MANAGER'S DILEMA


An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said,
"Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

[cohibaIV]

A man’s running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he’d fancy. “A quickie, please” “Sir,” she says, “I’ll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy?” “Yes,” says the man again. “A quickie.” Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the restaurant in a huff. “Mate,” says the guy at the next table, “it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

[cohibaIV]

A guy manages to get this hot girl back to his house, and they’re ripping off each other’s clothes when she notices the scars on his knees. “Oh when I was a kid I contracted kneesles,” he explains. “You mean measles,” she says. “Oh no, Kneesles.” So they continue undressing each other, unfazed. Until she noticed his crooked toes. “Ah I also contracted toelio.” “Don’t you mean polio?” “No, I got toelio.” Bored by his denials, she shrugs it off. Until he drops his pants. “Don’t tell me,” she laughs. “Smallcox…”

[cohibaIV]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions – from fear to happiness, and so on. The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. “What have you come as?” the guy asks. “I’m green with envy.” “Wow, that’s brilliant,” says the host. “Come in and have a drink.” A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts. “Wow, great outfit,” says the host. “And you’ve come as…” “I’m tickled pink!” she says. “Brilliant,” the host replies. Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes at the door. One’s standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other’s got his cock suck in a pear. “What the hell are you both doing?” screams the host. “Well, I’m fucking dis custard and he’s come in dis pear!”

[cohibaIV]

What’s the difference between PMT & CJD? One attacks the cow’s brain and sends it mental. The other’s an agricultural disease.

[Montesmoke]

good one

[Montesmoke]

A lad returns home and says:

'Dad, Dad, I've lost my virginity!'

'Well done, Son', his father says. 'I'm proud of you. In fact I'll buy you that bike you've been after, only thing is you'll have to wait until I get paid because I'm skint at the moment.'

'That's alright, Dad. I don't mind waiting........




to be honest my arse is bit sore to ride a bike at the moment."

[cohibaIV]

Oooooooo!!!!! hehe

[Montesmoke]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far the cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you...........





If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"