Anyone got any jokes?

[Montesmoke]

2 canadian guys


Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."









"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

[Robusto]

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist:

I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.

The receptionist replies:

No, vicar. It's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

[Robusto]

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a pair of quality, fur lined leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, so the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers!

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to take off).

These are a very delicate shade, and the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that they rub against her ring, which keeps it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit, because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

Love ,

Ron

P.S I thought you might like to know that my mum
likes to wear hers folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Robusto]

For the musos...

Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man,

"What did you do on Earth?"
Man 1: I was a doctor.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.


St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man 2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.


St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man 3: I was a musician.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen , along the corridor, turn left and third turning on the right...

[Robusto]

An Eskimo takes a holiday in Wales. His car overheats and starts making clanging noises on his way from Cardiff to Swansea, so he pulls over on the hard shoulder of the M4.

A Welshman in a white van pulls over and takes a look under the Eskimo's car bonnet.

"You've blown a seal", says the Welshman.

"So what? You fuck sheep", replies the Eskimo.

[Dean]

all made me chuckle. i dare not post any of mine in case i offend, so i will post my source instead, http://www.sickipedia.org

[SmokinCohibas]

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don?t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don?t bark.

[SmokinCohibas]

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

[SmokinCohibas]

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

[SmokinCohibas]

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

[SmokinCohibas]

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.

[SmokinCohibas]

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

[SmokinCohibas]

- Why do Scots watch porn films from the end to the beginning?
- Because they like a happy ending, when the prostitute gives the money back to the client.

[SmokinCohibas]

It's hot summer, ninety degrees. A rabbit sits under the shadow of a tree and sharpens a stick with a knife.
A wolf passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
A vixen passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
The bear passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick and bullshiting.

[Montesmoke]

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don?t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don?t bark.

Hilarious!!!