Anyone got any jokes?

[Wildwood]

Brilliant!!

[cohibaIV]

[cohibaIV]

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince won't admit that he has one.
Clinton uses his all the time.
What is it?


Answer is below






Answer: A LAST NAME!
What were you thinking of?

[cohibaIV]

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said,
"Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked,
"Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said,
"Until I know where I'm heading,
I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

[cohibaIV]

An Scotsman, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a building site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and stack of cement sacks.
And says to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shovelling"
To the Scotsman, "You're in charge of mixing"
To the Chinese man, "And you're in charge of supplies."
The foreman then tells them
"I have to go to the other side of the site,
while I'm away make some concrete"


The foreman returns a couple hours, the sand and cement are untouched.
The foreman asks the Irishman
"Why haven't you shoveled anything?"

The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel.
You left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."


He says to the Scotsman, "Why didn't you do any mixing?"


The Scotsman replies, "I couldn't get a mixer.
You left the Chinese chap in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."


The foreman is really fed up and storms off towards the pile of sand and cement
looking for the Chinese man.
Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the stack of cement and shouts
"SUPPLIES!"

[cohibaIV]

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
the divorce court judge said,
"and I've decided to give your wife ?275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour,"
the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself."

[cohibaIV]

In the beginning, there was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.

The employees told their supervisors:
"It's a crock of shit and it stinks!"

The supervisors then told the department heads:
"It's a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odour."

The department heads then told the department managers:
"It's a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it."

The department managers then told the senior managers:
"It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide by its strength."

The senior managers then told the general manager:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

The general manager told the directors:
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

The directors told the Chairman:
"It is very strong and will promote growth and efficiency of the system."

And the Chairman reviewed the plan, and said: "This is good."

And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.

[Montesmoke]

What Clinton ACTUALLY said to Monica:
"Hold my calls and sack my cook"

[Montesmoke]

Prosecutor: Was Monica Lying?
Clinton: No she was kneeling

[Montesmoke]

It appears that some of the White House gifts to Monica are not returnable...
Rumour has it that Bill also gave Monica a pearl necklace

[Montesmoke]

What's the difference between Monica's blue dress and Bill Clinton?
The blue dress will eventually come clean

[Montesmoke]

3 nuns die
3 nuns die in a car crash and they go up to heaven and Peters at the gate and he says before you come in i'm afraid you will have to answer a question so he says to the first nun don't worry the questions are very easy so he asks what was the name of the first woman and she says Eve and he says yep your in then he says to the second nun where did eve live and she says Garden of eden and he said yep your in then he says to the third nun which was the mother superior i'm affraid the question is going to have to be a bit harder for you so he asks what did Eve say when she first saw Adam and the nun says ooh thats a hard one and peter says yep your in

[Montesmoke]

3 nuns
there were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water'

[Montesmoke]

A man walk into a bar said what its that he said it a bj frog. the bar man said take it to the back and it will give u a bj if u give it a ?5. so the man said ok so he took it to the back and had a bj come back in and said that was amazing can i buy it the bar man said no its not for sale the other man said i will buy it for ?1000 now so the bar man said ok so the man took it home put it on the side then his wife come home and said what is this the man said its a bj frog then the man said teach it to cook and clean and leave me alone.

[Montesmoke]

Cowboy and the Indians
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"