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No cigar.
You need to know I paid ?100 caution money on a gite this Summer.
You need to know I used to own and run a holiday cottage.
EMAIL IN TWO DAYS AFTER WE RETURN FROM FRANCE:
Bryan,
I hope your return journey was OK and you did not have any further problems with your car.
I am writing to you on two things. Firstly, the rubbish in the dustbin. The French are very hot on re-cycling and I had to rummage through the bag and take out all the possible re-cycling material, which I can assure you was not a very nice job. This is mentioned in the information book. If I were to put the sack out as it is, I would have received a fine. I cant tell you how much it would be and I don't wish to find out.
My second point is the Lounger. I was hoping to speak about this when at the key handover, but unfortunately forgot. Both loungers have been in situ for several or more years now, without problem. I know accidents happen, but I don't see why I should be penalised financially for that. For example, I mentioned to you, we had some Ossie holidaymakers and they broke one of the blue garden chairs, but as a goodwill gesture replaced it with another white plastic chair. It was not the same, but it was a replacement all the same.
I therefore, will be deducting ?5 for sorting out your rubbish and some petrol reimbursement for taking it to the required sorting area. I also feel a deduction of ?20, which I feel is reasonable and fair to go a little way to cover my expense in replacing the lounger. I will therefore be forwarding a cheque for ?75 and I hope this is acceptable to you.
Best regards,
Mr. W. Anker - Proprietor of Le Phasme, Normandy
Several days later, my wife responds:
Dear W. Anker,
I am writing to acknowledge receipt of your cheque for ?75.00.
I also thought that you might appreciate some feedback on our experience as holiday-makers in your property. As we ourselves have owned and hired out a country cottage of our own in the past, and have also spent many holidays in self-catering accommodation, we found some of our experiences with you of some concern and feel we should let you know for future reference.
There are several things we would like to point out to you that you may wish to rectify for future clients:
Firstly, you were clearly bothered by the issue of the rubbish and I find it hard to respond in detail to such a petty complaint and find it quite astounding that you felt compelled to sort through our rubbish!!!! May I suggest that, as the owner of the property, you should supply appropriate bins so that items for disposal can be separated. I think you would find it less embarrassing simply to add an extra five pounds to the rent for this purpose than to admit to your clients that you go through their waste! Plus your terms and conditions must make this issue very clear if you are to deduct money for this.
The lounger was an incident we DID mention to you both by text and on the morning we left, so I'm not sure why you 'forgot' to mention it. As you said - Accidents happen. You must realise that people come in all shapes and sizes and if you are hiring out property on a regular basis, all furniture needs to be strong enough for people to use safely and comfortably. We then felt unable to use the other garden furniture because it was so flimsy. Despite the fact that my son hurt himself when it broke, we would have been happy to offer some of our deposit back to you as a gesture of goodwill. My feelings of goodwill though, did disappear at our final meeting.
Have you not taken out some kind of insurance cover for accidental breakages?
My other major concern was the discourteous way the lady there behaved to us. (I assume it was your mother as I think I heard you call her this). We had not even unpacked when she entered the property, uninvited, and started calling upstairs to me without any introduction or even waiting for me to come down to speak to her. I thought it was very impolite to shout up the stairs telling me to leave the property tidy and to make sure we cleaned the cooker properly afterwards. We had paid for the space for six days and it should have remained OUR space for that period. This plus the hand-written note left on the doorstep the following morning about the outside light made us feel very uncomfortable.
I also have to say that having rented over 20 self catering properties over the years, we have never had to be part of such an undignified performance as the 'inspection' as we were leaving. If you are to make a final inspection like this with the clients present, then the deposit money should be paid back immediately. Any anomalies should be settled on the spot. If you are going to look for problems after your clients have left then I suggest you don't insist they stay to witness you questioning their integrity by looking to see they have not stolen anything in such an accusatory manner. We have never had the indignity of a property owner opening every cupboard and room door before we departed, and it was NEVER something we did when overseeing the departure of guests from our own holiday cottage.
It's ironic and pointless to provide a welcome pack if you are going to treat people so intrusively when they have paid to use your property, and so rudely when they leave.
Yours sincerely,
Jane and Bryan Orwell
And a close friend's view on things in his reply (not sent) to Mr W. Anker.
Do not read if you cannot cope with filth and holes.
Dear Mr W. Anker,
In response to your recent E-mail on behalf of my client Mr Bryan Orwell, I would like to ask you to kindly boil an electric kettle(if you own such a modern appliance) and prepare yourself a lovely piping hot English cup of ?shut the fuck up? . I would as Mr Orwell?s legal brief be more than intrigued to see for myself the penalty tariff for wrong environmental refuse placement in your District as I?m fully aware that in certain regions of France the Guillotine is still an option for this type of blatant law breaking.
Again thank you so much for taking such a huge chance with Mr Orwell who as you may know has death sentences pending for similar offences in 16 other countries worldwide in which he has visited recently, including the infamous death by ?MAO MAO? penal corrective refuge system in Sierra Leone (A nasty and painful death by non - lubricated Pineapple rectal insertion ) for a previous throat clearing offence in which he was ?video zapped? by the ? Afro continental Enviro Police? to have produced nearly a quarter of a teaspoon of lung butter and then orally spew said Pulmonary issue onto the street without so much of a care or whisper!
Therefore I suggest you take previously mentioned E-mail and acquire a decent sized knob of Normandy Farm House Butter(salted is preferred) and lubricate your Anus Opening (In the style of Last Tango In Paris- NB. I have clipped my nails for your comfort I?m considerate if nothing else) so that I on behalf of Mr Orwell might shove your recent E-mail, deposit audit, and sun lounger invoice firmly and squarely into your ?rusty bullet wound south? ,or as you say in Normandy ? Le chutney locker? or as you are from Hastings to clarify in your own in bred Romanic syntax ?your Gary Glitter? ?. Please also find enclosed one Euro ,so that you can phone someone about this who gives a ?Sweaty flying jungle cluster fuck? about your issues. You really are a ?Class A? Anglo- French???.. Branleur of the highest order of whom I would love to whole heartedly kick Johnny Wilkinson "stylee" in the ?Glandes Reproductive? .
Yours Sincerely,
Marlon Brando QC (acting for and on behalf of Mr Bryan Orwell).
No cigar.
You need to know I paid ?100 caution money on a gite this Summer.
You need to know I used to own and run a holiday cottage.
EMAIL IN TWO DAYS AFTER WE RETURN FROM FRANCE:
Bryan,
I hope your return journey was OK and you did not have any further problems with your car.
I am writing to you on two things. Firstly, the rubbish in the dustbin. The French are very hot on re-cycling and I had to rummage through the bag and take out all the possible re-cycling material, which I can assure you was not a very nice job. This is mentioned in the information book. If I were to put the sack out as it is, I would have received a fine. I cant tell you how much it would be and I don't wish to find out.
My second point is the Lounger. I was hoping to speak about this when at the key handover, but unfortunately forgot. Both loungers have been in situ for several or more years now, without problem. I know accidents happen, but I don't see why I should be penalised financially for that. For example, I mentioned to you, we had some Ossie holidaymakers and they broke one of the blue garden chairs, but as a goodwill gesture replaced it with another white plastic chair. It was not the same, but it was a replacement all the same.
I therefore, will be deducting ?5 for sorting out your rubbish and some petrol reimbursement for taking it to the required sorting area. I also feel a deduction of ?20, which I feel is reasonable and fair to go a little way to cover my expense in replacing the lounger. I will therefore be forwarding a cheque for ?75 and I hope this is acceptable to you.
Best regards,
Mr. W. Anker - Proprietor of Le Phasme, Normandy
Several days later, my wife responds:
Dear W. Anker,
I am writing to acknowledge receipt of your cheque for ?75.00.
I also thought that you might appreciate some feedback on our experience as holiday-makers in your property. As we ourselves have owned and hired out a country cottage of our own in the past, and have also spent many holidays in self-catering accommodation, we found some of our experiences with you of some concern and feel we should let you know for future reference.
There are several things we would like to point out to you that you may wish to rectify for future clients:
Firstly, you were clearly bothered by the issue of the rubbish and I find it hard to respond in detail to such a petty complaint and find it quite astounding that you felt compelled to sort through our rubbish!!!! May I suggest that, as the owner of the property, you should supply appropriate bins so that items for disposal can be separated. I think you would find it less embarrassing simply to add an extra five pounds to the rent for this purpose than to admit to your clients that you go through their waste! Plus your terms and conditions must make this issue very clear if you are to deduct money for this.
The lounger was an incident we DID mention to you both by text and on the morning we left, so I'm not sure why you 'forgot' to mention it. As you said - Accidents happen. You must realise that people come in all shapes and sizes and if you are hiring out property on a regular basis, all furniture needs to be strong enough for people to use safely and comfortably. We then felt unable to use the other garden furniture because it was so flimsy. Despite the fact that my son hurt himself when it broke, we would have been happy to offer some of our deposit back to you as a gesture of goodwill. My feelings of goodwill though, did disappear at our final meeting.
Have you not taken out some kind of insurance cover for accidental breakages?
My other major concern was the discourteous way the lady there behaved to us. (I assume it was your mother as I think I heard you call her this). We had not even unpacked when she entered the property, uninvited, and started calling upstairs to me without any introduction or even waiting for me to come down to speak to her. I thought it was very impolite to shout up the stairs telling me to leave the property tidy and to make sure we cleaned the cooker properly afterwards. We had paid for the space for six days and it should have remained OUR space for that period. This plus the hand-written note left on the doorstep the following morning about the outside light made us feel very uncomfortable.
I also have to say that having rented over 20 self catering properties over the years, we have never had to be part of such an undignified performance as the 'inspection' as we were leaving. If you are to make a final inspection like this with the clients present, then the deposit money should be paid back immediately. Any anomalies should be settled on the spot. If you are going to look for problems after your clients have left then I suggest you don't insist they stay to witness you questioning their integrity by looking to see they have not stolen anything in such an accusatory manner. We have never had the indignity of a property owner opening every cupboard and room door before we departed, and it was NEVER something we did when overseeing the departure of guests from our own holiday cottage.
It's ironic and pointless to provide a welcome pack if you are going to treat people so intrusively when they have paid to use your property, and so rudely when they leave.
Yours sincerely,
Jane and Bryan Orwell
And a close friend's view on things in his reply (not sent) to Mr W. Anker.
Do not read if you cannot cope with filth and holes.
Dear Mr W. Anker,
In response to your recent E-mail on behalf of my client Mr Bryan Orwell, I would like to ask you to kindly boil an electric kettle(if you own such a modern appliance) and prepare yourself a lovely piping hot English cup of ?shut the fuck up? . I would as Mr Orwell?s legal brief be more than intrigued to see for myself the penalty tariff for wrong environmental refuse placement in your District as I?m fully aware that in certain regions of France the Guillotine is still an option for this type of blatant law breaking.
Again thank you so much for taking such a huge chance with Mr Orwell who as you may know has death sentences pending for similar offences in 16 other countries worldwide in which he has visited recently, including the infamous death by ?MAO MAO? penal corrective refuge system in Sierra Leone (A nasty and painful death by non - lubricated Pineapple rectal insertion ) for a previous throat clearing offence in which he was ?video zapped? by the ? Afro continental Enviro Police? to have produced nearly a quarter of a teaspoon of lung butter and then orally spew said Pulmonary issue onto the street without so much of a care or whisper!
Therefore I suggest you take previously mentioned E-mail and acquire a decent sized knob of Normandy Farm House Butter(salted is preferred) and lubricate your Anus Opening (In the style of Last Tango In Paris- NB. I have clipped my nails for your comfort I?m considerate if nothing else) so that I on behalf of Mr Orwell might shove your recent E-mail, deposit audit, and sun lounger invoice firmly and squarely into your ?rusty bullet wound south? ,or as you say in Normandy ? Le chutney locker? or as you are from Hastings to clarify in your own in bred Romanic syntax ?your Gary Glitter? ?. Please also find enclosed one Euro ,so that you can phone someone about this who gives a ?Sweaty flying jungle cluster fuck? about your issues. You really are a ?Class A? Anglo- French???.. Branleur of the highest order of whom I would love to whole heartedly kick Johnny Wilkinson "stylee" in the ?Glandes Reproductive? .
Yours Sincerely,
Marlon Brando QC (acting for and on behalf of Mr Bryan Orwell).
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