Ask TJ - The Forum's Agony Aunt

[nicwing]

This thread is for those little questions that you can't ask your wife but which Auntie TJ can sort out for you!

She has recently resolved a major dilemma for one of our members who was cutting his nails too short.

Post your questions here (it's totally confidential) and Auntie TJ will dispense her Mexican wisdom (if she's not on holiday)

[Deano]

Post 666 nic, not a good sign!

[Pantomimehorse]

tj should I go for the donner kebab or see whats in the fridge when i get home? (you have ten mins )

[TJCoro]

Better use of your bucks!

tj should I go for the donner kebab or see whats in the fridge when i get home? (you have ten mins )

Go to the fridge, muchacho, and use the $$$$ saved for fine puros.

[Pantomimehorse]

thank you oh wise one

[Stevieboy]

TJ - does my bum look big in my new work trousers? They fit snugly in the crotch area (Hello Ladies) but are slightly tight at the back....please help

Stevielad

[whisky77]

Dear TJ.

Dear TJ,
as well as my short fingernails I have discovered that I have a hole in one of my socks.

Initially the problem was of minimal concern to me, however subsequently it has become apparent that two of my toes are now protruding out of the afore mentioned garment.
Can you offer some advice to a man devoid of any darning skills.

[Robusto]

What should you do when you realise you're caught on the shitter with no wiping paper, TJ?

It often happens to me - even in semi-mourning - and I never know what to do with myself.

All advice will be soaked up very eagerly, mate.

Always a fan of the IZAL (Google it, TJ).
xxxxx

[TJCoro]

Where's the beefcake?

TJ - does my bum look big in my new work trousers? They fit snugly in the crotch area (Hello Ladies) but are slightly tight at the back....please help

Stevielad

Senor Stevieboy,

Can't say, senor. Catalina Joy, my lovely and lonely sister, asks that you post a pic of your arse in your new work trousers so she can have a look . And if I were you, I'd post a pic pronto!

Names TJ, TJCoro, and young stevielad is making a play for CJ, CJCoro.

[TJCoro]

A Holey Question!

Dear TJ,
as well as my short fingernails I have discovered that I have a hole in one of my socks.

Initially the problem was of minimal concern to me, however susequently it has become apparent that two of my toes are now protruding out of the afore mentioned garment.
Can you offer some advice to a man devoid of any darning skills.

Excellent Question Senor Tequila! (two puros)

Take the spent sock, pull it over your head placing the hole over your mouth, and shove a lit puro into it. A perfect way to enjoy your puros in total anonymity!

I small a gold mine here!!...or did senor Robusto spark up a RP Fire?

I hope this helps.

[TJCoro]

Wipe Out!

Senor Robusto writes:

What should you do when you realise you're caught on the shitter with no wiping paper, TJ?

It often happens to me - even in semi-mourning - and I never know what to do with myself.

All advice will be soaked up very eagerly, mate.

Always a fan of the IZAL (Google it, TJ).
xxxxx

Difficult Situation, Indeed.

I discussed your dilemma with the other Coros and came up with the following solution.

First, DON'T PANIC! Someone will eventually need to use the loo and will find your sorry arse waiting to be rescued. While waiting, I suggest you pull out your finest stick (you do carry one with you at all times, don't you?) and spark it up, but only after clearing the room of residual sulfuric gases.

And who knows, you may have just discovered another place to relax with you fine puros. Works for the Coros!

Good Luck!

[Drewmidorn]

Dear TJ,

Last Friday I returned home from work earlier than I had expected. I was surprised to find my wife in bed with two of my best friends and the cleaning lady. One of my friends was smoking a post coital Cohiba Siglo VI the other a R&J Churchill, both from my humidor.

What should I do?

Should I tell them they shouldn't be helping themselves to my cigars?

Should I tell them that I don't want them smoking upstairs?

I'd hate to loose good friends over a couple of cigars, but I need to let them know how i feel otherwise they may take my humidor for granted.

Keenly awaiting your valued opinion

Merridew Harlequinium Farquharson

Shunting Yards, Crewe.

(details have been changed to potect the epistle-ist!)

PS the cleaning lady was smoking a Capstan filterless cigarette which i assume she bought with her. My wife is far to prim to smoke

[nicwing]

Dear TJ,

Last Friday I returned home from work earlier than I had expected. I was surprised to find my wife in bed with two of my best friends and the cleaning lady. One of my friends was smoking a post coital Cohiba Siglo VI the other a R&J Churchill, both from my humidor.

What should I do?

I am dying to hear Aunties response but thought I would ask a few impertinent questions:

1. Are there any pictures of the event?
2. Are there any pictures of the cigars?
3. Is the cleaning lady by any chance a larger lady?
4. Any chance of a re-run, with video?
5. I can usually make a wednesday afternoon if your friends or possibly ex friends are not available!

By the way, Siglo IV, excellent choice for the old 'Post coitals'

Pip Pip

[Drewmidorn]

In answer to your questions Nic,

1. Are there any pictures of the event?

I shall ask my palls if they were in the Seymour Butts frame of mind for the affair

2. Are there any pictures of the cigars?

My wife was quick to dispose of the said stubbs, she doesn't like the smell of a lingering stick although sticky lingerie is something else all together.

3. Is the cleaning lady by any chance a larger lady?

The cleaning lady is like a curvy Dot Cotton with dirty peroxide hair and long dark roots.... oh and she has a frisky little limp from a touch of gout! Don't let the psoriasis put you off either, apparently what she lacks in looks and charm she more than makes up for in eagerness.

4. Any chance of a re-run, with video?

See answer to question 1.

5. I can usually make a wednesday afternoon if your friends or possibly ex friends are not available!

Wednesday afternoons are usually her Canasta and Macrame circle. I will certainly forward my good wife your details though, but please ask before you raid my humidor... and I'd prefer it if you smoked downstairs. If you do pop round I imagine Stella-Anthony (the wife) will expect you to bring some keen company, a bottle of TCP.... and maybe a gorilla suit.

Kindest Regards

Merridew

[TJCoro]

Easy Solution!

Senor Drewmidorm asks:

Dear TJ,

Last Friday I returned home from work earlier than I had expected. I was surprised to find my wife in bed with two of my best friends and the cleaning lady. One of my friends was smoking a post coital Cohiba Siglo VI the other a R&J Churchill, both from my humidor.

What should I do?

The is an easy one.

Keep a lock on your humidor and stop coming home so early.

Instead, spend more time at your local La Casa de Habanas smoking the finest puros in the world!