Todays Joke.

[cohibaIV]

Cigar Joke!!

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, ?One more remark like that and I?ll smash your face in!?

[cohibaIV]

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
?I sure do,? he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
?Wow!? said his friend, ?Where did you get that monster??
?I got it from my genie.?
?You have a genie?? he asked. ?Yes, he is right here in my golf bag.?
?Could I see him??
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
?I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish??
?Yes I will,? the genie said.
?I wish for a million bucks!?
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, ?I asked for a million bucks not ducks!?
?I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic??

[cohibaIV]

Cigar Joke..

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
?In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away??
Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. The others are quite impressed.
The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: ?In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away??
Saying that, he throws the pack of cigars through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
Slowly, the American just stands up, with a superior smile.
He opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it?

[cohibaIV]

Reasons why Cigars are better than Sex....

Reasons Why Cigars Are Better Than Sex
? You can GET cigars.
? You can safely have cigars while you are driving.
? You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.
? You can have cigars even in front of your mother.
? Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.
? The word ?commitment? doesn?t scare off cigars.
? You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
? You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.
? You don?t get hairs in your mouth with cigars.
? With cigars there?s no need to fake it.
? Cigars don?t make you pregnant.
? You can have cigars at any time of the month.
? Good cigars are easy to find.
? You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
? When you have great cigars it doesn?t keep your neighbours awake
? With cigars size doesn?t matter. It?s ALL good!

[cohibaIV]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. ?I assume,? she snarled, ?that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o?clock in the morning??
?There is,? he replied. ?Breakfast?.

[Boss Hog]

I suggested to the wife today we try the new range of Olympic condoms. "What do you fancy? Bronze, Silver or Gold" I asked with a wry smile and a wink.
She replied " Why dont you take Silver and come second for a change!"

[the mothman]

Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.
Hwoeevr,tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse......

[the mothman]

Woman sees a sign in a pet shop window "FANNY LICKING FROG ?25". In she goes and says 'I'd like to see this fanny licking frog' and a man behind the counter says "BONJOUR".

[Deano]

lol

[rokkitsci]

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service :"Hokay. An San toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "San toes. July San toes?"

Guest: "Uhh... I don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo one toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine." Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bother?"

Guest: "No. Just put the bother on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Ass strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy... rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud."

Guest: "You're welcome."

[nicwing]

I've stayed there!

[Stevieboy]

That's bloody brilliant Rokk!!! Brilliant LOL

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service :"Hokay. An San toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "San toes. July San toes?"

Guest: "Uhh... I don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo one toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine." Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bother?"

Guest: "No. Just put the bother on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Ass strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy... rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud."

Guest: "You're welcome."

[daverave999]

Loving some of these.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

[whisky77]

Zoo carpark.

This was sent by a friend who lives way down near Bristol.I thought it was a great story.Only wish i had thought of something like that myself.

From this week's Bristol Evening Post:

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are ?1. per car and ?5. per coach.

On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.

The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The Council said "What attendant?"

Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about ?400. per day for the last 23 years...!

Total sum 2.9 million!!

[cj121]

Great story, but sadly untrue Craig

Lookyhere