Todays Joke.

[Stevieboy]

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said,"Morning."

He replied,"No, just having a shit."

Bad......but good!!

[Ramon]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn?t swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave.
Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat? ' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and.... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG fcking dick!........ and I can't swim Dave! I can't fucking swim man!!!"

[whisky77]

Facelift.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends ?15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'


'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks theclerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands underyour bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, goahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.He bouncesand weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against eachother.?

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[whisky77]

Swine fever!

So this is how it started!

[cj121]

DIVORCE VS. MURDERfficeffice" />>>
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would liketo buy some Cyanide." >>
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?">>
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." >>
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! Ican't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! >>
All kinds ofbad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!">>
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of herhusband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.>>
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
>>
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.">>
>>
>>

[Stevieboy]

LOL!!

BTW - does anyone else lot of "" these smileys in CJ's post?!?!? I wonder if it's a Firefox thing!?!

[nicwing]

LOL!!

BTW - does anyone else lot of "" these smileys in CJ's post?!?!? I wonder if it's a Firefox thing!?!

Hey Stevie, I see some, it happens to me when I cut something in from a Word document.

[Stevieboy]

Hey Stevie, I see some, it happens to me when I cut something in from a Word document.

I see!! I saw some in a post from Dale!?! a few days ago. Oh well. at least I'm not seeing things

[cj121]

Hey Stevie, I see some, it happens to me when I cut something in from a Word document.

That's what it was, the ol' cut n paste. I did edit them out but made a mistake and didn't bother on the second attempt. Sorry for the additional >>s here and there.

[Stevieboy]

That's what it was, the ol' cut n paste. I did edit them out but made a mistake and didn't bother on the second attempt. Sorry for the additional >>s here and there.

No worries pal! I just thought you were on a natural high of some kind

[cj121]

No worries pal! I just thought you were on a natural high of some kind

Not at the mo'

[Stevieboy]

Not at the mo'

Poor sod!!

W-wor, O-wor, R-wor, Z-wor, E-wor, L-wor!!!

[the mothman]

Altzheimers Protest March:
"What do we want?"
"We dont know"
"When do we want it?
"Want what?".


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They have imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the arabs, they claimed they were going to start digging for their own oil !!!!

[whisky77]

Dave the hen!

Davethe hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I hav en't said goodby e to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave ..

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

' Dave , wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[linfield100]

One afternoon an investment banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men by the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," he replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well come home with me and I'll feed you," the banker said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the banker replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!

"Bring them all, as well," the banker answered.

They all crowded in the limousine. Once underway, one man turned to the banker and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The banker replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."