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Todays Joke.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said,"Morning."
I said,"Morning."
He replied,"No, just having a shit."
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"Keep your eyes peeled, your arse up, head down, and your ear to the gound" WHISKY77 -
lol ntb -
FUBAR
I admit my sense of humour is FUBAR at times Deano, but this made me laugh.
"Keep your eyes peeled, your arse up, head down, and your ear to the gound" WHISKY77Comment
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Whats white and square and floats in water.,,,,,,?
A fridge freezer
Whats grey and rectangular and does not float in water.,,,,,,,,,,,?
A breeze blockIf..Comment
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How do you stop a Scotsman throwing up on a rough boat trip?
Get him to lean over the side of the boat with a ?5 between his teeth!
(This joke has not been approved by the Scottish tourist board)Nic
Editor UK Cigar Scene Magazine
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How do you know when a Wolverhampton girl is having an orgasm?
She drops her chips
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What goes .... clip clop, clip clop, clip clop .. BANG! Cliperty Clop, Cliperty Clop, Cliperty Clop, Cliperty Clop,
An Amish drive by shooting!!Free the UKCF oneComment
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Lover of fine Cubans since 2006
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Tourettes.
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,
"Oi, what's your disability?"
I said,"Tourettes! Now f**k off""Keep your eyes peeled, your arse up, head down, and your ear to the gound" WHISKY77Comment
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3 gentleman walkin on the beach find a lamp.
1 is black
1 is Spanish
1 is White
They rub the lamp,out comes a geni and grants them all 1 wish !
The black gentleman asks: All my people be rich and return to our mother land.Poof done!
The spanish gentleman asks the same for all his people! Poof!!!!!!!!!!!!Done.
The Geni looks at the White guy and asks well; the guy looks at him and asks for a Coke and the Geni asks " is that it?Aren't U going to ask for anything else?
The White guy replys NO everything I could ever wish for is now reality!
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3 Women and A Magic Lamp
Three women stranded on an island.
One of them finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out.
The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, and since there are three of you, you each get one wish."
The first woman says to the genie, "I would like to be 10 times smarter than I am right now." And, she builds a ship and sails back home.
So then the next woman says to the genie, "I would like to be 100 times smarter than I am right now." And, she builds a plane and flies back home.
The third woman says to herself, "Ha! This is EASY!" She turns to the genie and says, "I would like to be 1000 times smarter than I am right now!" And, the genie turns her into a man and walks across the bridge.Comment
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Questions/Answers
Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen?
A: Show her the way back, she must be lost.
Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen?
A: Shoot the bitch, she's getting away
Q: What do you do if your wife is 5 feet out of the kitchen?
A: Damn! I should've gotten a longer chain
Q: What does WIFE stand for?
A: Washing Ironing Fucking Etc...
Q: What do a woman and a toilet bowls have in common?
A: Without the hole, they're useless
Q: Why are a woman's cootch hole and butt hole so close together?
A: So men can carry them like a sixpack
Q: What's the definition of a woman?
A: Life support for a vagina
Q: Why are woman smarter during sex?
A: They have a genius plugged into them
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.
Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, it's a woman's job.
Q: What do ya do when your wife tells you to replace a lightbulb?
A: Screw the bitch, she can do the dishes in the dark.
Q: How are women like a postage stamps?
A: You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them away.
Q: How are women like floor tiles?
A: You lay 'em once and walk all over them the rest of your life.
Q: What's the extra skin around the vagina called?
A: The woman.
Q: Why do women get periods?
A: They deserve them.
Q: How many men do you need to open a beer can?
A: None, the bitch who brings it should have opened it too.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: They don't have balls.
Q: Why do women have orgasms?
A: It gives them something to moan about.
Q: How are women like bowling balls?
A: You finger them, throw 'em down the gutter, and they come back for more...
Q: How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let the bitch do it by herself.
Q: How do you know if a ship is being captained by a feminist?
A: If the ship starts to sink, she shouts out, "Women the lifeboats!!" and she orders all of the ship's toilet seats nailed down to stop any incoming water.
Q: What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: Put a windshield in front of her face.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: Why do women change their minds so often?
A: To keep them clean.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
A: "I'll fix it."
Q: What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her
Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice
Q: What is the difference between a brick and a woman?
A: A brick doesn't follow you around after you lay it
Q: What do woman and spaghetti have in common?
A: they both squirm when you eat them
Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow disease was already taken
Q: Why haven't women been to the moon ???
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: They think we care
Q: What's a surefire way to make a woman orgasm?
A: Who the F#@k cares
Q: Did you here they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink
Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
A: When they remove half the brain.
Q: Did you here that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer?
A: Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Q: Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy?
A: It means you're in the wrong house.
Q: How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
A: She cooks/I eat; she cleans/I dirty; she irons/I wrinkle.
Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind. 2.No business.
Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: What do you call a woman with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q:Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
Q: Why did the woman have two black eyes?
A: She had to be told twice.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.
Q: How are women like paper cups?
A: Both are disposable.
Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A: A widow.
Q: What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat?
A: A divorcee!!
Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told!
Q: Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a lightbuld?
A: Because it does, alright!?!?
Q: What's a mans idea of helping with housework?
A: Lifting up his legs so the woman can vacuum.
Q: Why did God create women?
A: Because a beer can't cook supper!Comment
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I wish I could do punchline jokes. I'm shit at them because I have a pretty poor memory for this style.
There are some great ones here!
I have this fear of being put on-mic in a busy pub to tell a joke and just dying. That's why I sort of Anuglypta (sic?) a room with stupidity rather than make anyone focus on my hands trying to thread cotton through the eye of a needle in the form of a punchlined joke.
I've done a couple of Best Man floorshows for mates - but I really couldn't tell a joke with a punchline beyond When Is A Door Not A Door?Comment
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Moral
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity."Keep your eyes peeled, your arse up, head down, and your ear to the gound" WHISKY77Comment
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Great line for a rainy dayOriginally posted by whisky77 View PostA priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.Comment
...the rest meh
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