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Hehe, long day, drinking too much and had 3 lovely cigars so far, broke into a box of GMs but oh well.
Got my creative juices going in a strage sort of way, we were talking aout the Titanic at work.
So
I give you:
Note 1: Bad language in this so look away if offended
Note 2: God know where this came from lol!
Okay, so i've decided to make a film(yeah right), a whole Movie in fact, we were discussing the Titanic (1) at work then it hit me, so I give to you, the preliminary script / idea behind:
(Dedicate to PT who is probably sitting in an airport Lounge bored)
Iceberg. The Movie.
Opening sequence, the camera drifts over a frozen arctic tundra, the words "100,000 years ago" appear, the camera passes a group of Mastodons walking in file towards some distant peaks, suddenly.....cracks appear, large cracks and the group are separated as the flows begin to breakup. Two large chunks drift off one carrying one of the mammoths, as they drift one looks at the other and says, "as long as we have our love, we'll always be together".
"Present Day. April 1912"
An Oil rig is now attached to the male iceberg, oil workers are drilling through him to get to the oil well beneath him (as he's grounded) they're making a mess and generally behaving like a bunch of well erm...Oil Derik type people, he is strewn with barrels and pipes and little huts with words like Toilet and Bar and Workshop, none of which he really understands. During one of the oil persons drilling escapades the happen upon the perfectly preserved remains of a mammoth, after opening up a fissure to gain access they slowly bring the mammoth to the surface and after much a tussle bring it on a wheeled dolly to the stations infirmary. After some careful scrutiny they find that the mammoth wasn?t entirely mammoth, and in actual fact had several locust like legs protruding, a dozen or so tentacles, oddly placed additional eyes and many other strange characteristics, in addition the DNA (because year 1912 oil rig base stations always have full DNA screening facilities) was found to be, not entirely indigenous to the Earth, at least the less favourable of it?s deformities weren?t at any rate.
=================================
During one of the crews conversation about tentacle trunky odd monster, Seth Svenersven comes out with ?why don?t we just thaw it out??
?What?? Matilda the communications officer exclaims ?Why on earth (or not) would you want to do that?? Shaking her head in both dismay and disgust.
?To see what happens?? Seth never had been that bright to be honest.
?But nothing good can come of this?
?We could build it a cage? Stated Ron, a wily old goat who wasn?t a goat at all but instead had spent most of his long years wrangling horses and fining himself in and out of the bars you really shouldn't tell your mother about.
Seth looks at Ron, ?Why the hell would we need a cage??
?Well, erm, in case it, errrr, in case it,??wakes?.up? said Ron with an embarrassed look, the group have a damn good laugh at Ron about this, not the laug tat mates share over something they all find amusing but the laughter of people who think someone else is a moron.
After what seemed like an age Seth continued, ?what? You think it?s going to wake up and start killing us and feasting on our raw flesh? again, they all had a good old chortle, every good mariner and oil worker knows that dead beasties do not do very much at all other than start to smell and become sticky.
===============================
As Mystery beast 3000 tore Seth?s arm from his socket, dripping a mixture of ichor and blood all over the recreational room?s shiny tiled floor, he was momentarily reminded of his last words and despite the absolute agony now wracking his body, he smiled at the irony of it all. His smile though was short lives as one of the barbed tails from the sickening life form towering over him tore a large flap of flesh from his face. It was at that point, lying on the floor bleeding rather profusely and certainly terminally that he realised that the pen he was doing his crossword with earlier had not in fact been stolen by a mermaid (or Ron as he really thought) but had in fact fallen behind the desk, ?oh well at least that?s that sorted? he thought as his head left his body, ?so what was 14 across?.........? as the darkness descended.
==============================
Backed into the corner of the room Ron looked on in abject terror, weeing himself and crying like a baby, he had never seen such an appalling sight in all his years which was saying a lot considering he had lived through 2 wars and 3 divorces. At least the problem of the pen had finally been solved, he was sick of bearing the brunt of everyone?s accusations. Yes he had killed that bloody Albatros, yes he had also had sex with it and yes he head cooked it and served it to the rest of the crew for dinner, but for god?s sake they couldn?t blame him for everything. It was at this point he heard two things, the first was a sucking snapping sound ?craack schlouup? similar to the sound of a lower leg being torn from it?s upper peer?.Ron fell over.
==========================
The second sound was the voice or Mary the resident psychic and facility administrator ?Fuck you Ron, this is all your fault!? Ron tried to get up but with four tons of alien mammoth eating you and one leg and a wrist missing this makes the possibility of standing just that little bit harder than normal?.the voice continued ?you dirty bird fucking bastard?. As Ron?s brain oozed from his ear he realised that this was indeed preferable to listening to Mary?s malicious rantings.
===================================
Mystery beast 3000 stopped in his merciless killing for a moment as he passed one of the polished cabinets, it looked at itself disgusted and appalled at what it had become?..what had it become, it remembered back to when he was with it?s herd, the huge crashing sound behind them, ?what was it?? he thought, ?that?s right I was a male, a leader of my tribe?
His eyes glazed as he continued to remember ?SO what was that huge nut that fell from the sky, moreover what was that sludge that came after us??
As he gazed at the reflective surface he realised just how aweful he looked, repulsive in fact, ?oh god what a horrible visage? (yes mammoths use that kind of vocabulary), looking around all he could see was an old Ice hockey mask with a splatter of blood across it.
Donning the mask he instantly brightened, ?oh my, that?s better?..much better? his self was cut short as he glimpsed one of his captors running across the room, one of his new tentacles lashed out in an instant and tore the stomach from one of his captors, as the pathetic thing died it?s last words were ?It?s just like that time at the lake with that machete wielding maniac!?
MB3K shrugged and decided that after bugger knows how long frozen in the ice he was:
a) Cold
b) Tired
c) Rally fucked off.
Killing these things was 1) Warming as the blood splashed over him. 2) Still tired but see 3. 3) Really good fun.
So off he went happily slaughtering all before him and wondering why he had cheesecake on his mind, moreso, what the hell was cheesecake?
===================================
Anyway the female iceberg has been getting a little pissed through all this due to all the noise, oil spills, screaming and general untidiness of their part of the Arctic shelf, her and her partner?s relationship has been deteriorating of late, the latest batch of screams and the fact that something had just thrown a severed leg at her was finally enough. ?All he ever wants to do is watch them play ice hockey, listen to them talk about food and listen to their music, he never listens to me any more?.
Shouting at the male iceberg (?Klaus?, played by Brian Blessed) ?you never take me anywhere any more?, Klaus laughs as a small person drags himself from a doorway on the complex mounted against what would be his groin, below him leaving a trail behind him the colour of thick raspberry jam (the good stuff with the pulp and the pips mind you) and musing that they are all full of this stuff.
?Klaus that?s it, I?m leaving you, you never bother with me any more, we?ve only been dating for one hundred and one thousand years and you?re clearly bored of me? she stifled a sniff ?I just can?t see you being in this for the long term? she then turns (?her? played by Lori Petty [just because]), Alice (her) then drift off into the distance, Klaus to be fair isn?t paying too much attention as he?s far more interested in the ensuing carnage and the fact that Sealions had joined the assault on the side of the humans ?they?re made of raspberries too? he mused. As MB3K tore a whale from the sea and ripped it to pieces, Klaus shouted to the sky ?why raspberry, it?s everywhere and I?ve never even tried it? followed by ? where?s Alice gone? Oh well?.SHIT! look at that whale penis!?
A disgruntled Sealion looked up at Klaus, his only badly formed word was......."Twat!"
=====================
Meanwhile!!!!! Carnage on Klaus continues, things are getting pretty dismal for the last few survivors, even Klaus is getting a little peeved at all the blood and whale guts all over him (yes the mammoth started pulling whales out of the ocean) this culminates in a female oil worker called Capernica strapping a water tower to the mammoth
and pushing it off Klaus and into the icy depths, how the hell she managed this no one knows but hell it worked in Alien v Predator, Capernica then dies of hypothermia and the whole oil rig explodes (except for one small mammoth egg [don't even say it]. The final noise that no one can hear is that of Klaus ?FUCK, this is better than sex! Where the hell is Alice??
Note to readers: Iceberg sex is really pretty drab, if you want some Bergian porn, get two big rocks, put them on top of each other, sprinkle with icing sugar and nudge once every eighteen months, so yeah, pretty bad.
==========================
Klaus is now a little lonely, so he sends his pet squid Cyril out to find Alice and beg her to come back, after battling sharks and dolphins (who we find out are actually colossal arseholes) he eventually finds Alice and tells her of Klaus?s plight and his change of heart. Not to mention the fact that Klaus for all his stupidity was feeling a little, shall we say, a little horny. It would be more precise to say of course a little icicley but I?ve no idea how to spell that.
Alice still with love for her huge chunk of frozen water slowly turns and sets a course back to her love, ? I know this is a mistake but I?ve spent over 100 millenia with the dumb oaf, I?ve got to give it one last go!? Cyril dispatches himself back to Klaus to give him the good news but somehow wondering why the hell he is just an errand boy after all these years.
========================
Scene cuts to a Ship in the North Atlantic, steaming along, not just any old ship but an unsinkable one, a ship full of Gentry, Scallys from the shores of Ireland, a female artist, a young actor who looks far to young for his age and 6 Lycanthropes off on a stag weekend from Scarborough.
Happily cruising along fate has dictated that Alice?s change of heart for Klaus has inadvertently put her in the way of this colossal slayer, neither the crew or the ship itself care about the feelings that Alice has for her love, nor do they heed Cyril?s shouts and warnings (admittedly the only person on the ship who spoke squid was drunk). On the ship plows through the icy waters aiming true at Alice?s heart, engines roaring, propeller spinning, eventually the captain sees the error of his ways upon seeing Alice looming in the distance.
?Who are we to kill this Iceberg?? He asks his bridge crew, ?I shall not be the one to end it, for hurt me it has not? he exclaimed.
?It must die, before it can hurt others? shouted Midshipman Red ?slinky overboard? McDonaldson as he thrust the Ships Telegraph to ?As fast as she?ll bloody well go!?
===========================
Alice could see Cyril gesticulating to her from afar, though she could not make out his rubbery semaphore , she knew something was amiss and sped up her painfully slow drifting to a far more urgent just really slow, ?I need to find out what Cyril is going on about? she thought ?besides he owes me a fiver?
Cyril stared at Alice in disbelief, ?I said stop you stupid bitch! Can?t you see that huge lump of steely funnely death heading for you?. Hunting through his knapsack for something to use to get Alice?s attention Cyril?s tentacle fell to rest on a smooth round object, and there, within it?s brassy surround was a picture of Olivia, Cyril?s late wife and mother to his 4762 children, a tear formed in his eye as he remembered the fateful day that, whilst trying to return a hat to the captain of a ship called the ?Nortilus? due to the fact that an angry Seagull had whisked it from his head, the Captain ( a nasty fellow called Nurmo or something [squids don?t spell too well]) had become wrathful thinking that it was Olivia who has stolen his hat and was now simply trying to ransom it back, Nurmo then proceeded to electrocute Olivia against his sinky ship?s hull until at last she died, her last few eggs slothing from her rubbery dead form. Cyril had always hated seagulls from that moment and would see the day when every seagull in the world was crushed beneath hi??..
==============================
?What was that? Cyril thought as he broke from his revery, suddenly realising that while he was thinking about his hate for seagulls?.SEAGULLS!!! ?..erm yes as he was thinking of his hatred for ?those birds? he was not in fact warning Alice and to be fair at this point warning her became slightly, shall we say??moot!
Screaming at the top of her voice in true Bergian style, Alice looked in horror as meter by meter (or knot or yard if you?re an odd one) the ?H.M.S. Titan?.(she couldn?t read the rest due to the slightly obtuse angle) slid into her massive bulk, second by second it sheared off huge chunks of her mortal self, whole swathes of her icyness were ripped off and left to float around her further increasing her panic as she realised that she was now bathing in herself.
As the hours unfolded more and more cracks began to appear and massive pieces of her body were beginning to fall into the sea, she was getting weaker by the minute, this, while not being a great position to be in, was compounded by the small humans, similar to the Ice Rig ones who were jumping off their wretched harpoon and swimming in her rapidly increasing remains ?have they no sense of decency? she thought, ?they?ve won, why can?t they just leave me to die?
=============================
Cyril was just eating his 18th passenger and has so far consumed 3 midshipmen, a pair of cooks, one of the werewolves from Scarborough and a selection of scrawny ragamuffins, picking werewolf fur from his beak he decided that lycanthropes should not actually be part of a squids diet and he will probably regret this in the morning.
?Oh crap, I?m supposed to get Klaus? Cyril was in a state of panic, foaming at the mouth in rage at what had transpired he kicked his siphon into overdrive and set course straight back to Klaus.
Just before leaving Alice he plucked a Cormorant out of the sky, shouting ?Die you bastard!? before devouring it in one bite.
Wallowing in self pity Klaus was truly miserable, he had nothing left to look at on his own body well apart from all the jam, the total devastation of the oil platform , the seas were awash with the damned Jam which he couldn?t even taste and nearly as bad Alice was missing.
?What the hell is going on here?? he moaned in abject misery.
He chatted for a while with the Dolphins, who, as always were just being colossal jerks?..NO! the horse in the bar?why the long nose joke wasn?t funny.
Most importantly of all why the hell couldn?t he stop thinking about Michael Ironside?
Cyril came to the surface, puffing and panting and generally spilling ink everywhere, for some reason he was clutching several copies of Playboy and a large television which was doubly odd as they hadn?t been invented yet.
?Oh Cyril? thought Klaus ? Blackberry jam WTF is with all the jam for gods sake?!??
?Master? Said Cyril, though he knew not why he called Klaus his master. ?You must come at once, Alice is in trouble!?
?Really? Exclaimed Klaus ?Heheh look at that Dolphin die, idiot!?
?KLAUS!!!?
?Erm yes, sorry Cyril, what?s the matter? Klaus suddenly serious exclaimed.
? Listen Alice is in trouble, big trouble, you have to come?..and as you?re really god damned slow?NOW!!!?
Klause went to move but the drill bit from the platform was holding him fast.
?I have to think quick? thought Klaus. (Please bear in mind that quick thinking doesn?t come naturally to an Iceberg.
Klaus was sweating, pulling and tugging, tugging and pulling, ?oh yeah nearly there? pulling and tugging, tugging and pulling?..
?For fucks sake knock that shit off!? screamed Cyril??.?ALICE!!!?
?Oh shit yeah? said Klaus as he pulled himself??..free and snapped the drilling poles.
He then set his way south following a rather disgruntled Cyril who was moaning about ?how the hell ad iceberg can own a squid!?
As the morning sun began to rise all the dolphins saw was Cyril leading Klaus away.
Reg a large male grey Dolphin turned to the others , ? anyway so the landlord said, why the long face and the horse said?..? Reg was suddenly caught up in a tuna net and drowned, serves him right I think!?NEMO!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!!? Cyril went crazy, upon seeing his nemesis all thoughts of te plight of Klaus and Alice were forgotten, ?time to die!? said Klaus to the metallic monster in front of him.
?All these years I?ve waited to get reven-ge on you for what you did to my mate!?
The Nortilus was still.
Klaus carried on his way though something told him he was where he should be.
Osbervers would see (from afar) the following:
From the point of view of the humans:
A Huge ship, surrounded in broken ice, being humped by a giant squid, who is shouting ?Die you bastard!!! She was my wife!?
Whilst an Iceberg drifted by, covered with bits of tangled metal and covered with blood, various human bodies covering it?s landall and surrounded by Dolphins talking about horses.
From the point of view or Klaus:
His best mate and servant Cyril, shagging the murderer of his girlfriend, shouting ?Die you bastard!!! She was my wife!?
And I return shouting ?No she was nearly my wife you colossal faggot! What have you done??
Then getting caught in the current and washed south, while wondering, why do Dolphins talk such crap?!
From the point of view of Cyril:
FUCKING SEAGULLZ RAAAAARRRGH???.NEEEEEMOOOOOOZZZZZZ!!!!!
Whilst an Iceberg drifted by, covered with bits of tangled metal and covered with blood, various human bodies covering it?s landall and surrounded by Dolphins talking about horses.
From the point of view of the Dolphins:
?So, this horse walks into a bar.?
?Right?
?Kay?
?Yeah?
?And the bartender asks, why the long face??
?HEh?
? Chicp chip chicp?
?Kay!?
?Because I?m a horse!? Said the Dolphin known as Hector
?Nope?
?Nope?
?Erm?.Nope?
Hector looked at the others?..?Fuckers?
Whilst an Iceberg drifted by, covered with bits of tangled metal and covered with blood, various human bodies covering it?s landall and surrounded by Dolphins talking about horses.
Klaus continue to drift south, pondering what had transpired and wondering what fate had truly befallen Alice.
Then
He started to melt
100 years later, a member of the Umbutu tribe, finds an egg, off the Ivory Coast, seeing it as a piece of treasure he wraps it up in his loin cloth and takes it to the village, there it is put on an alter.
< Somewhere a small Mammoth called an Elephant looks to the north west and goes "OOOH!">
Cue dramatic music
THE END......
LMAO
Got my creative juices going in a strage sort of way, we were talking aout the Titanic at work.
So
I give you:
Note 1: Bad language in this so look away if offended
Note 2: God know where this came from lol!
Okay, so i've decided to make a film(yeah right), a whole Movie in fact, we were discussing the Titanic (1) at work then it hit me, so I give to you, the preliminary script / idea behind:
(Dedicate to PT who is probably sitting in an airport Lounge bored)
Iceberg. The Movie.
Opening sequence, the camera drifts over a frozen arctic tundra, the words "100,000 years ago" appear, the camera passes a group of Mastodons walking in file towards some distant peaks, suddenly.....cracks appear, large cracks and the group are separated as the flows begin to breakup. Two large chunks drift off one carrying one of the mammoths, as they drift one looks at the other and says, "as long as we have our love, we'll always be together".
"Present Day. April 1912"
An Oil rig is now attached to the male iceberg, oil workers are drilling through him to get to the oil well beneath him (as he's grounded) they're making a mess and generally behaving like a bunch of well erm...Oil Derik type people, he is strewn with barrels and pipes and little huts with words like Toilet and Bar and Workshop, none of which he really understands. During one of the oil persons drilling escapades the happen upon the perfectly preserved remains of a mammoth, after opening up a fissure to gain access they slowly bring the mammoth to the surface and after much a tussle bring it on a wheeled dolly to the stations infirmary. After some careful scrutiny they find that the mammoth wasn?t entirely mammoth, and in actual fact had several locust like legs protruding, a dozen or so tentacles, oddly placed additional eyes and many other strange characteristics, in addition the DNA (because year 1912 oil rig base stations always have full DNA screening facilities) was found to be, not entirely indigenous to the Earth, at least the less favourable of it?s deformities weren?t at any rate.
=================================
During one of the crews conversation about tentacle trunky odd monster, Seth Svenersven comes out with ?why don?t we just thaw it out??
?What?? Matilda the communications officer exclaims ?Why on earth (or not) would you want to do that?? Shaking her head in both dismay and disgust.
?To see what happens?? Seth never had been that bright to be honest.
?But nothing good can come of this?
?We could build it a cage? Stated Ron, a wily old goat who wasn?t a goat at all but instead had spent most of his long years wrangling horses and fining himself in and out of the bars you really shouldn't tell your mother about.
Seth looks at Ron, ?Why the hell would we need a cage??
?Well, erm, in case it, errrr, in case it,??wakes?.up? said Ron with an embarrassed look, the group have a damn good laugh at Ron about this, not the laug tat mates share over something they all find amusing but the laughter of people who think someone else is a moron.
After what seemed like an age Seth continued, ?what? You think it?s going to wake up and start killing us and feasting on our raw flesh? again, they all had a good old chortle, every good mariner and oil worker knows that dead beasties do not do very much at all other than start to smell and become sticky.
===============================
As Mystery beast 3000 tore Seth?s arm from his socket, dripping a mixture of ichor and blood all over the recreational room?s shiny tiled floor, he was momentarily reminded of his last words and despite the absolute agony now wracking his body, he smiled at the irony of it all. His smile though was short lives as one of the barbed tails from the sickening life form towering over him tore a large flap of flesh from his face. It was at that point, lying on the floor bleeding rather profusely and certainly terminally that he realised that the pen he was doing his crossword with earlier had not in fact been stolen by a mermaid (or Ron as he really thought) but had in fact fallen behind the desk, ?oh well at least that?s that sorted? he thought as his head left his body, ?so what was 14 across?.........? as the darkness descended.
==============================
Backed into the corner of the room Ron looked on in abject terror, weeing himself and crying like a baby, he had never seen such an appalling sight in all his years which was saying a lot considering he had lived through 2 wars and 3 divorces. At least the problem of the pen had finally been solved, he was sick of bearing the brunt of everyone?s accusations. Yes he had killed that bloody Albatros, yes he had also had sex with it and yes he head cooked it and served it to the rest of the crew for dinner, but for god?s sake they couldn?t blame him for everything. It was at this point he heard two things, the first was a sucking snapping sound ?craack schlouup? similar to the sound of a lower leg being torn from it?s upper peer?.Ron fell over.
==========================
The second sound was the voice or Mary the resident psychic and facility administrator ?Fuck you Ron, this is all your fault!? Ron tried to get up but with four tons of alien mammoth eating you and one leg and a wrist missing this makes the possibility of standing just that little bit harder than normal?.the voice continued ?you dirty bird fucking bastard?. As Ron?s brain oozed from his ear he realised that this was indeed preferable to listening to Mary?s malicious rantings.
===================================
Mystery beast 3000 stopped in his merciless killing for a moment as he passed one of the polished cabinets, it looked at itself disgusted and appalled at what it had become?..what had it become, it remembered back to when he was with it?s herd, the huge crashing sound behind them, ?what was it?? he thought, ?that?s right I was a male, a leader of my tribe?
His eyes glazed as he continued to remember ?SO what was that huge nut that fell from the sky, moreover what was that sludge that came after us??
As he gazed at the reflective surface he realised just how aweful he looked, repulsive in fact, ?oh god what a horrible visage? (yes mammoths use that kind of vocabulary), looking around all he could see was an old Ice hockey mask with a splatter of blood across it.
Donning the mask he instantly brightened, ?oh my, that?s better?..much better? his self was cut short as he glimpsed one of his captors running across the room, one of his new tentacles lashed out in an instant and tore the stomach from one of his captors, as the pathetic thing died it?s last words were ?It?s just like that time at the lake with that machete wielding maniac!?
MB3K shrugged and decided that after bugger knows how long frozen in the ice he was:
a) Cold
b) Tired
c) Rally fucked off.
Killing these things was 1) Warming as the blood splashed over him. 2) Still tired but see 3. 3) Really good fun.
So off he went happily slaughtering all before him and wondering why he had cheesecake on his mind, moreso, what the hell was cheesecake?
===================================
Anyway the female iceberg has been getting a little pissed through all this due to all the noise, oil spills, screaming and general untidiness of their part of the Arctic shelf, her and her partner?s relationship has been deteriorating of late, the latest batch of screams and the fact that something had just thrown a severed leg at her was finally enough. ?All he ever wants to do is watch them play ice hockey, listen to them talk about food and listen to their music, he never listens to me any more?.
Shouting at the male iceberg (?Klaus?, played by Brian Blessed) ?you never take me anywhere any more?, Klaus laughs as a small person drags himself from a doorway on the complex mounted against what would be his groin, below him leaving a trail behind him the colour of thick raspberry jam (the good stuff with the pulp and the pips mind you) and musing that they are all full of this stuff.
?Klaus that?s it, I?m leaving you, you never bother with me any more, we?ve only been dating for one hundred and one thousand years and you?re clearly bored of me? she stifled a sniff ?I just can?t see you being in this for the long term? she then turns (?her? played by Lori Petty [just because]), Alice (her) then drift off into the distance, Klaus to be fair isn?t paying too much attention as he?s far more interested in the ensuing carnage and the fact that Sealions had joined the assault on the side of the humans ?they?re made of raspberries too? he mused. As MB3K tore a whale from the sea and ripped it to pieces, Klaus shouted to the sky ?why raspberry, it?s everywhere and I?ve never even tried it? followed by ? where?s Alice gone? Oh well?.SHIT! look at that whale penis!?
A disgruntled Sealion looked up at Klaus, his only badly formed word was......."Twat!"
=====================
Meanwhile!!!!! Carnage on Klaus continues, things are getting pretty dismal for the last few survivors, even Klaus is getting a little peeved at all the blood and whale guts all over him (yes the mammoth started pulling whales out of the ocean) this culminates in a female oil worker called Capernica strapping a water tower to the mammoth
and pushing it off Klaus and into the icy depths, how the hell she managed this no one knows but hell it worked in Alien v Predator, Capernica then dies of hypothermia and the whole oil rig explodes (except for one small mammoth egg [don't even say it]. The final noise that no one can hear is that of Klaus ?FUCK, this is better than sex! Where the hell is Alice?? Note to readers: Iceberg sex is really pretty drab, if you want some Bergian porn, get two big rocks, put them on top of each other, sprinkle with icing sugar and nudge once every eighteen months, so yeah, pretty bad.
==========================
Klaus is now a little lonely, so he sends his pet squid Cyril out to find Alice and beg her to come back, after battling sharks and dolphins (who we find out are actually colossal arseholes) he eventually finds Alice and tells her of Klaus?s plight and his change of heart. Not to mention the fact that Klaus for all his stupidity was feeling a little, shall we say, a little horny. It would be more precise to say of course a little icicley but I?ve no idea how to spell that.
Alice still with love for her huge chunk of frozen water slowly turns and sets a course back to her love, ? I know this is a mistake but I?ve spent over 100 millenia with the dumb oaf, I?ve got to give it one last go!? Cyril dispatches himself back to Klaus to give him the good news but somehow wondering why the hell he is just an errand boy after all these years.
========================
Scene cuts to a Ship in the North Atlantic, steaming along, not just any old ship but an unsinkable one, a ship full of Gentry, Scallys from the shores of Ireland, a female artist, a young actor who looks far to young for his age and 6 Lycanthropes off on a stag weekend from Scarborough.
Happily cruising along fate has dictated that Alice?s change of heart for Klaus has inadvertently put her in the way of this colossal slayer, neither the crew or the ship itself care about the feelings that Alice has for her love, nor do they heed Cyril?s shouts and warnings (admittedly the only person on the ship who spoke squid was drunk). On the ship plows through the icy waters aiming true at Alice?s heart, engines roaring, propeller spinning, eventually the captain sees the error of his ways upon seeing Alice looming in the distance.
?Who are we to kill this Iceberg?? He asks his bridge crew, ?I shall not be the one to end it, for hurt me it has not? he exclaimed.
?It must die, before it can hurt others? shouted Midshipman Red ?slinky overboard? McDonaldson as he thrust the Ships Telegraph to ?As fast as she?ll bloody well go!?
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Alice could see Cyril gesticulating to her from afar, though she could not make out his rubbery semaphore , she knew something was amiss and sped up her painfully slow drifting to a far more urgent just really slow, ?I need to find out what Cyril is going on about? she thought ?besides he owes me a fiver?
Cyril stared at Alice in disbelief, ?I said stop you stupid bitch! Can?t you see that huge lump of steely funnely death heading for you?. Hunting through his knapsack for something to use to get Alice?s attention Cyril?s tentacle fell to rest on a smooth round object, and there, within it?s brassy surround was a picture of Olivia, Cyril?s late wife and mother to his 4762 children, a tear formed in his eye as he remembered the fateful day that, whilst trying to return a hat to the captain of a ship called the ?Nortilus? due to the fact that an angry Seagull had whisked it from his head, the Captain ( a nasty fellow called Nurmo or something [squids don?t spell too well]) had become wrathful thinking that it was Olivia who has stolen his hat and was now simply trying to ransom it back, Nurmo then proceeded to electrocute Olivia against his sinky ship?s hull until at last she died, her last few eggs slothing from her rubbery dead form. Cyril had always hated seagulls from that moment and would see the day when every seagull in the world was crushed beneath hi??..
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?What was that? Cyril thought as he broke from his revery, suddenly realising that while he was thinking about his hate for seagulls?.SEAGULLS!!! ?..erm yes as he was thinking of his hatred for ?those birds? he was not in fact warning Alice and to be fair at this point warning her became slightly, shall we say??moot!
Screaming at the top of her voice in true Bergian style, Alice looked in horror as meter by meter (or knot or yard if you?re an odd one) the ?H.M.S. Titan?.(she couldn?t read the rest due to the slightly obtuse angle) slid into her massive bulk, second by second it sheared off huge chunks of her mortal self, whole swathes of her icyness were ripped off and left to float around her further increasing her panic as she realised that she was now bathing in herself.
As the hours unfolded more and more cracks began to appear and massive pieces of her body were beginning to fall into the sea, she was getting weaker by the minute, this, while not being a great position to be in, was compounded by the small humans, similar to the Ice Rig ones who were jumping off their wretched harpoon and swimming in her rapidly increasing remains ?have they no sense of decency? she thought, ?they?ve won, why can?t they just leave me to die?
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Cyril was just eating his 18th passenger and has so far consumed 3 midshipmen, a pair of cooks, one of the werewolves from Scarborough and a selection of scrawny ragamuffins, picking werewolf fur from his beak he decided that lycanthropes should not actually be part of a squids diet and he will probably regret this in the morning.
?Oh crap, I?m supposed to get Klaus? Cyril was in a state of panic, foaming at the mouth in rage at what had transpired he kicked his siphon into overdrive and set course straight back to Klaus.
Just before leaving Alice he plucked a Cormorant out of the sky, shouting ?Die you bastard!? before devouring it in one bite.
Wallowing in self pity Klaus was truly miserable, he had nothing left to look at on his own body well apart from all the jam, the total devastation of the oil platform , the seas were awash with the damned Jam which he couldn?t even taste and nearly as bad Alice was missing.
?What the hell is going on here?? he moaned in abject misery.
He chatted for a while with the Dolphins, who, as always were just being colossal jerks?..NO! the horse in the bar?why the long nose joke wasn?t funny.
Most importantly of all why the hell couldn?t he stop thinking about Michael Ironside?
Cyril came to the surface, puffing and panting and generally spilling ink everywhere, for some reason he was clutching several copies of Playboy and a large television which was doubly odd as they hadn?t been invented yet.
?Oh Cyril? thought Klaus ? Blackberry jam WTF is with all the jam for gods sake?!??
?Master? Said Cyril, though he knew not why he called Klaus his master. ?You must come at once, Alice is in trouble!?
?Really? Exclaimed Klaus ?Heheh look at that Dolphin die, idiot!?
?KLAUS!!!?
?Erm yes, sorry Cyril, what?s the matter? Klaus suddenly serious exclaimed.
? Listen Alice is in trouble, big trouble, you have to come?..and as you?re really god damned slow?NOW!!!?
Klause went to move but the drill bit from the platform was holding him fast.
?I have to think quick? thought Klaus. (Please bear in mind that quick thinking doesn?t come naturally to an Iceberg.
Klaus was sweating, pulling and tugging, tugging and pulling, ?oh yeah nearly there? pulling and tugging, tugging and pulling?..
?For fucks sake knock that shit off!? screamed Cyril??.?ALICE!!!?
?Oh shit yeah? said Klaus as he pulled himself??..free and snapped the drilling poles.
He then set his way south following a rather disgruntled Cyril who was moaning about ?how the hell ad iceberg can own a squid!?
As the morning sun began to rise all the dolphins saw was Cyril leading Klaus away.
Reg a large male grey Dolphin turned to the others , ? anyway so the landlord said, why the long face and the horse said?..? Reg was suddenly caught up in a tuna net and drowned, serves him right I think!?NEMO!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!!? Cyril went crazy, upon seeing his nemesis all thoughts of te plight of Klaus and Alice were forgotten, ?time to die!? said Klaus to the metallic monster in front of him.
?All these years I?ve waited to get reven-ge on you for what you did to my mate!?
The Nortilus was still.
Klaus carried on his way though something told him he was where he should be.
Osbervers would see (from afar)
From the point of view of the humans:
A Huge ship, surrounded in broken ice, being humped by a giant squid, who is shouting ?Die you bastard!!! She was my wife!?
Whilst an Iceberg drifted by, covered with bits of tangled metal and covered with blood, various human bodies covering it?s landall and surrounded by Dolphins talking about horses.
From the point of view or Klaus:
His best mate and servant Cyril, shagging the murderer of his girlfriend, shouting ?Die you bastard!!! She was my wife!?
And I return shouting ?No she was nearly my wife you colossal faggot! What have you done??
Then getting caught in the current and washed south, while wondering, why do Dolphins talk such crap?!
From the point of view of Cyril:
FUCKING SEAGULLZ RAAAAARRRGH???.NEEEEEMOOOOOOZZZZZZ!!!!!
Whilst an Iceberg drifted by, covered with bits of tangled metal and covered with blood, various human bodies covering it?s landall and surrounded by Dolphins talking about horses.
From the point of view of the Dolphins:
?So, this horse walks into a bar.?
?Right?
?Kay?
?Yeah?
?And the bartender asks, why the long face??
?HEh?
? Chicp chip chicp?
?Kay!?
?Because I?m a horse!? Said the Dolphin known as Hector
?Nope?
?Nope?
?Erm?.Nope?
Hector looked at the others?..?Fuckers?
Whilst an Iceberg drifted by, covered with bits of tangled metal and covered with blood, various human bodies covering it?s landall and surrounded by Dolphins talking about horses.
Klaus continue to drift south, pondering what had transpired and wondering what fate had truly befallen Alice.
Then
He started to melt
100 years later, a member of the Umbutu tribe, finds an egg, off the Ivory Coast, seeing it as a piece of treasure he wraps it up in his loin cloth and takes it to the village, there it is put on an alter.
< Somewhere a small Mammoth called an Elephant looks to the north west and goes "OOOH!">
Cue dramatic music
THE END......
LMAO
I'll try and find you.
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